Can someone give me feedback about my Ielts writing task 2? Thank you in advance.

Some people say that men are naturally more competitive than women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a long-held belief that males surpass their counterparts as regards competitiveness. The perception is, however, rendered implausible by virtue of several reasons in spite of the far-reaching effects of patriarchal feudalism.

Admittedly, the previous feudal system empowered men significantly over women, which has long been a deeply-rooted notion among today’s individuals. Accordingly, certain people of the modern age still maintain the antiquated concept that only men can bear the responsibility for decision-making roles while women are assigned to domestic duties. Patriarchy can be predominantly observed in South Asian countries such as India and Afghanistan which rigidly limit the rising importance of women and thus serving as a contributory factor of the overconfidence of men and the degenerating self-esteem of their counterparts. It can be inferred that so enormous appreciation has been given to males that they tend to partake in dominant positions to retain their status and stature. Ultimately, it goes without saying that the stronger sense of rivalry of males is a result of nurture in lieu of nature.

Nevertheless, I opine that the claim fails to take into account the booming influences of the egalitarian society. Women’s empowerment and feminism have been gaining popularity across the globe and therefore, that women engage in a definite number of domains, namely engineering, physics, politics, is a social norm. The prime time of women is clearly not attributed to the spontaneous favor of the world, but rather to the realization of their striking performance. Clinton, a female presidential candidate demonstrating the burning passion and competitiveness in a political debate against Trump, is a worth-addressing instance. Even in the education system, girls can excel boys in not only academic achievements but also extracurricular activities, which is an illustration of the qualified capability of females to compete with males. Hence, it is a fallacy to associate the level of rivalry to gender.

To conclude, the action of categorizing men’s competitiveness as an inborn property is a psychological error due to the outdated patriarchal system which exerts stultifying effects on women. It is my firm conviction that women are as competitive and productive as their counterparts if given the opportunity to show their expertise.