Can someone give me a comment about my IELTS writing?

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Cam 14 - Test 1 - Task 1 written by me. CALLING FOR COMMENTS.
The given pie charts compare the proportions of 3 different nutrients in 4 meals consumed by American people.
Overall, it can be seen that most of the daily Sodium and Saturated Fat intake are consumed in Dinner while Sugar is consumed most in Snack. Regardless of the types of nutrients, an excessive consumption of any or all may lead to potential health risks for individuals.
The proportion of Sodium consumed in Dinner is nearly half of the daily intake and 3 times as much as that of Breakfast and Snack. Also, the average Dinner’s Saturated Fat consumed by the US population is 37%, which is more than twice the Breakfast’s. In contrast, it is noticeable that a US person would get 42% of his daily Sugar intake from Snack, which is the largest percentage while both Breakfast and Lunch only provide less than 20%. Besides, the disproportion of nutrients intake between the meals could contribute to related health issues.

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Poster · Answer

Bách T?t PhanThe given pie charts compare the proportions of 3 different nutrients in 4 meals consumed by American people.

1) Write single word numbers out in full: four meals.

2) The heading for the charts refers to "meals consumed in the USA": this would include all visitors, who are not "American people". Therefore, your description is inaccurate.

3) Why not list the nutrients and the meals in the introduction?

4) The heading states "typical" meals: your wording reads as if it refers to four particular meals, perhaps eaten over Thanksgiving for example. "Average" meals would be a paraphrase.

Bách T?t PhanOverall, it can be seen that most of the daily Sodium and Saturated Fat intake are consumed in Dinner while Sugar is consumed most in Snack.

5) Why are you capitalizing the ingredients and meals?

6) Normal preposition for mealtimes is "at".

7) "most of ..." to me implies more than fifty per cent: in fact this is not the case.

8) The heading states "added" sugar, not simply "sugar": sugar or fructose occurs naturally in some foods.

Bách T?t PhanRegardless of the types of nutrients, an excessive consumption of any or all may lead to potential health risks for individuals.

Task 1 is a report: do not include your own comments, however valid, true, or relevant they may be: delete entire sentence.

Bách T?t PhanAlso, the average Dinner’s Saturated Fat consumed by the US population is 37%, which is more than twice the Breakfast’s.

9) We cannot use possessives here: the average saturated fat consumed at dinner....is more than twice that at breakfast.

Bách T?t PhanIn contrast, it is noticeable that a US person would get 42% of his daily Sugar intake from Snack, which is the largest percentage while both Breakfast and Lunch only provide less than 20%. Besides, the disproportion of nutrients intake between the meals could contribute to related health issues.

10) "it is noticeable that": superfluous wording.

11) from snacks: plural needed to generalize.

12) Comma needed before "while" as it is an afterthought.

13) "Besides ....": again, do not introduce your own material or commentary.

Fill up the word count with more details:

Sodium from breakfast and snacks: exactly the same percentage.

Added sugar and saturated fat: exactly the same percentage at breakfast.

Provide a complete breakdown for lunch.

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