Can someone critique my PERSONAL STAEMENT? please, i need help.

Being born and raised in Sacramento, I had always been surrounded by the same people throughout my whole life. Some of the people in my life were positive toward me, and some of them were negative towards me, and there were even times where I would cry for being look down upon. Thankfully my mother, my hero was there to support me, she told me I can, when everyone else told me I couldn't . Their support has always been on the back of my mind, and every time I reach a struggle, her support reminds me to keep on trying, and that trying, alone can lead to success.

There were times where I tried so hard, only to find out that my hard work wasn't being recognized for. During my sixth grade year, I tried hard, and felt confident that I was going to be rewarded the "presidential award", an award that all the previously promoted sixth graders in my family had received. When my name wasn't called, I felt like a failure, because I had let my mom down, and most of all, myself down. I wanted to prove to the others that I was indeed smart too. I also felt like I was a disappointment to my family, because I was the only one in the family to be denied the award. Not only this, but I felt most of all sad, because I tried so hard, to not be recognized for. With this in mind, I remembered what my mom had said, she told me to keep on trying, and to never stop, and that trying matters over anything else.

My mom, although did not have an education, taught me many valuable things. She taught me to always care for others, and that success is only success, when it is being shared with others. We as a family were not "rich", so there were times where I wanted things, but couldn't get them, but because I was born into a "low income" family, it just made me want to do well in school, so that I could treat my mom to a finer lifestyle, as well as myself.

I also recall the first death in my family, my grandma, whom I was very close to as a child. She died because of having diabetes, and at this time, I did not know what diabetes was, I only knew that it was a sickness that had taken my grams away from me. I asked my mom what it was, but she just told me it was a sickness. Crying and Crying, I didn't know how a sickness could quickly take someone away so fast. With no knowledge of this sickness, I was frustrated, and I was determined to find out why my grandma was diagnosed with diabetes. I then found out that diabetes ran in my family. At this point in my life, I knew that I wanted to do something with my life in the medical field. Along with this, I loved working with children, because my first dream was to be a teacher. So I did some research, and said, why not become a pediatrician? I enjoy working with children, along with improving the health of people. Besides this, I was always inspired when I went to my pediatrician; he himself was also an Asian immigrant whom worked hard to become a pediatrician. Whenever I was at his clinic for a checkup, I always felt at home, the feeling of his clinic, made me enjoy going to the doctor. His job always seemed fun, because the people there were always so calm and relaxed, and he would always joke with my family and I. Since I was a victim of asthma, my trip to the doctor was very much frequently, he always provided me with proper care, and treated my asthma with proper medications. Following this, my dream to become a pediatrician became set in stone; I knew that this was what I was going to be when I grow older.
I, as a person love helping people out, whether it's giving advice, or simply just contributing in hopes of finding a cure for a disease. During my sophomore year, I collected pledge money to help fund for Gaucher's disease - an inborn metabolic disorder that direct to the accumulation of a particular fatty substance all over the body. After I heard about the story of how a family had lost a child due to a battle of gaucher's disease, I was sadden, my heart dropped, and tears ran down my face, I wasn't even embarrass that people were looking at me crying, because the story was so real to me. I eventually collected pledge money, up to nearly fifty dollars. My friend, whom also collected the money, decided to keep the money for herself, since the advisor forgot to collect the money. I quickly then demanded that she turned in the money, for it was the right thing to do, she ultimately made the decision to turn it in, and I felt a sense of composure, for it was money funded to help save a life. This disease mainly occurred in infants, and kids, and because I helped raised money by promoting the gaucher's awareness, it made me proud to know that I was saving the life of a child. There was one more kid growing up, and living life because of what I did. This has been the most important event that I had done in my life, because I promoted awareness, it also gave me some leadership skills, because I had to expose this awareness to people who were not literate in the gaucher's disease. Every dollar that I collected, gave me a sense of joy, the feeling of helping a child overcome a disease is just indescribable.

Overall, I should be accepted into your college because I am extremely dedicated in everything that I do, I never give up, and I am always willing to learn new things. It would be greatly appreciated if I were part of your learning environment.