Can somebody help me with my Personal Statement for grad school?

Hi there! This is Chenyi An from China. I just came across this website when I tried to collect some useful information for PS writting. I find people here are very helpful and friendly. I just finished my PS today so I'm just wondering if somebody can help me review my statement and provide some feedback? I am planing to apply for the Msc in Finance at Imperial College of London. I really appreciate your help and thank you in advance!

We all live in an ever-changing world filled with challenges and opportunities. The globalization and economic integration not only formed a multi-polar world that witness wealth and capital migration and accumulation every day, but also raised higher standard for financial professionals who greatly appreciate the power and influence the industry exerts on our life. Even though my bachelor degree in Finance & Economics unveiled the mask of some instruments, theories and methodologies in the field of Finance, I feel my understanding is superficial and lacks in-depth comprehension on the constantly evolving market and economies. For this reason, I would like to further my education in the Master of Finance program at XXX.In my undergraduate at the University of Toronto, surrounded by world class professors and like-minded peers, I was able to explore Finance on broad basis. Among all the subjects I was particularly intrigued by the corporate finance and stock valuation. In the advanced corporate finance course, I’ve learnt how to use quantitative method and key ratios to analyze a company’s financial status, and provided sound financial solution to those who were in financial distress. I also gained valuable hands-on experience in the stimulated stock pricing case. By analyzing the target company’s financial statements and using discounted cash flow and comparable factor approaches we ensured the company’s stock price objectively reflected its inner value for investors, thereby facilitating the whole mock IPO process in the case. Outside of the classroom, to broaden my vision and deepen the comprehension on financial industry, I studied and passed the Canadian Security Course (CSC) and CFA level I exam. Not only did the exams offer me chances to practice the theories learnt, but also urged me to think critically and comprehensively. In 2004, selected from more than 5000 candidates across the country, I became 1 of 100 paid interns in Canada’s largest bank—RBC. In this one-year program I rotated among Personal & Business Banking, charitable organization and Market Support Team where I further developed my communications skills, teamwork spirit and leadership. Within 6 months of time, I was able to present useful credit and investment advice to customers, making a contribution of $$ in dollar value for the branch. My integrity, client-oriented attitude, teamwork spirit was highly evaluated by clients, managers and colleagues. In the last three at Market Support Team, I was introduced to the back office operation and risk control in Personal & Business Banking for the first time. It was an eye-opening experience as well as a test of my adaptability and multitasking skills. Because of my diligence and conscientiousness, I fulfilled the responsibilities within my job duty as well as mastered techniques in dealing with XXX. At the end of the program I was offered a Banking Advisor position at RBC. However, since the work conflicted with my career plan, I decided to temporarily leave the workforce and concentrated on furthering my education.As an ambitious candidate seeking opportunities in the financial industry, my ultimate goal is to become a portfolio manager in an investment funds. In order to achieve my dream, I need to take off with a good academic history in a prestigious school such as XXX. The Master of Finance program at XXX tops my list because the course breakdown comprises wide spectrum of the financial industry. The wide coverage on topics will arm students with an extensive knowledge reserve and critical thinking mind-set to face the complicated cases in reality. In addition, the program covers 70% of the CFA materials. It is greatly valuable because the CFA program streamlines students to current updates and market dynamics with first-hand examples. Last but not the least, XXX offers the diverse and vigorous learning environment formed by state-of-art facilities, outstanding faculty and intelligent peers. The strong teaching resources and post-graduation service will guarantee every student receive the most insightful guidance from the professionals who has hands-on experience in the related areas. Therefore, I am deeply convinced that the Master of Finance program at XXX will be a perfect kick-off of my journey in the world of Finance.All in all, I appreciate your time for reviewing my application and statement of intent. I hope this statement has demonstrated my academic ability and enthusiasm in Finance. I sincerely look forward to becoming a contributor to XXX's vibrant culture soon.