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Greece Posted 15 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Can anyone correct this paragraph

An uncommitted crime
On October 19, 2010, the day that I will never forget, I was unjustly accused of stealing my colleague's necklace. After finishing the three hours of the novel lecture, the girl, who was sitting beside me, shouted, suddenly, because she had lost her necklace. All of us, immediately, separated everywhere in the room in order to search for her necklace. During the time that I was searching with my friends, my sister called me and informed me that my mother got sick and I had to come now. At this moment, I was very embarrassed; I took my needs rapidly and left the room without telling any single word. When I went home, I found that my mother was, really, in a very bad state, and the doctor told me that she was in bad need for someone to take care of her. I, therefore, had to stay with her, and I did not go university three days ago until she became better. In the fourth day, when I went to my faculty in order to attend my lectures, as usual, I found that all my colleagues looked down upon me. In fact, I was surprised from the way they treated me, but when I met Ann, the necklace's owner, and asked her about her necklace, she alluded immorally that I was the one who stole her necklace. I swore at her that I did not take her necklace, but she did not believe me. She told me that I was the only one who sat beside her and left the room during the time they were searching for the necklace. Although I told her what happened to my mother, she did not believe me. In fact, I did not bear the way they treated me; therefore, I decided not to go the faculty any more in order not to see any one of them. Actually, I was forced to pay a price for a crime which I did not commit.
  

Top answer

Hello, Greece-- and welcome to English Forums. You have far too many commas. I have underlined some problem areas: An unc ommitted cri me On October 19, 2010, the day that I will never forget, I was unjustly accused of stealing my colleague's necklace.

  • Hello, Greece-- and welcome to English Forums.
  • You have far too many commas.
  • I have underlined some problem areas: An unc ommitted cri me On October 19, 2010, the day that I will never forget, I was unjustly accused of stealing my colleague's necklace.
  • After finishing the three hours of the novel lecture , the g irl, w ho was sitting beside m e, s hout ed, su dden ly, be cause she had lost her necklace.
  • All of us, immediate ly, s eparated everywhere in the room in order to search for her necklace.
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8 Answers
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Hello, Greece-- and welcome to English Forums. You have far too many commas. I have underlined some problem areas:

An uncommitted crime

On October 19, 2010, the day that I will never forget, I was unjustly accused of stealing my colleague's necklace. After finishing the three hours of the novel lecture, the girl, who was sitting
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thanks very much for your editting, but can you tell me what is the problem with:
novel lecture,
go the faculty
alluded immorally

did not bear
went home
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novel lecture -- a strange lecture? I think you mean 'a lecture on the novel'.

go the faculty-- 'faculty' seems the wrong word[[ that is usually a body of professors. You probably went to the 'department'.

alluded immorally-- Oh dear! Please look up 'immorally' in your dictionary. The girl wasn't a prostitute, was she?

did not bear --'could n
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OK I UNDERSTOOD YOUR POINT, but
i show you some points
first of all, illuded immorally
the word immorally does not only have the meaning that she a prostitute, but this word have an athor meaning which is the way that people behave; foreexample, it's immoral to steal
Second, novel lecture i want to define the subje
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I neither wish nor need to argue with you. My English is much better than yours: that's why you have come here for advice. If you do not wish to accept the advice given, then just ignore it.
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[On/not required] October 19, 2010 [,/was] the day that I [will/would]l never forget, I was [unjustly/doesn't sound correct, maybe 'allegedly' fits better] accused of stealing my colleague's necklace. After [finishing the/not required] three hours of [the novel/tedious] lecture, the girl, who was sitting beside me, shouted, suddenly, because she had lost her necklace. All of us, immediately, [sep
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Thank you very much for correction
Emotion: smile
it really helped me alot.
thanks again for using words like:lashed out; 'allegedly'

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