Calling friends to review my essay to Whitman College

Question

Hi, I'm Wanning from Beijing, China.Below is my essay for Whitman College, with the topic " What's your concept of diversity, and what experiences have you had that inform your thoughts.Please help me to review, I'll truly appreciate your suggestions.Diversity could mean difference. But if people with different perspectives work together for mutual interest, this diversity can make ideas flourish.When the 3rd APEC Youth Science Festival took place in Beijing, I had the chance to meet and communicate with student delegates coming from all APEC member countries. During these unforgettable 8 days, I was immersed in a “Global” atmosphere which I shall always be grateful for. In our group discussion, 15 members congruously chose the “ Bio-diversity” as the theme of our thesis. Seated at a round table, we talked about the various problems that were emerging in different areas. Danzengduoji from Tibet displayed the pictures of dying antelopes that had been poached by local hunters, Andy from America showed statistics he had collected for the endangered Florida sea turtles, Lim Chuan from Malaysia drew our attention to orangutans that were in serious trouble in his country. Although the Bio-diversity deterioration took on different looks in different parts of the world, its harmful effects could be universal. In the following days, many more heated discussions were held in our group and opinions on the solution were widely exchanged. Some raised the idea of banning the trade of animal species between countries, some underscored the point of offsetting the loss of local people due to restricted animal huntings with substantial financial support, some even composed a song overnight to call for international joint actions towards the problem. Eventually, we finished a thesis which systematically consisted of  the alarming situations experienced by our group members and the applicable solutions we had thoroughly debated upon.On the last day of the festival, on behalf of 15 brilliant group members, I delivered our thesis to an audience of all student delegates present at the festival. I felt proud of our work that combined different perspectives yet stressed one mutual concern, I cheered for our idea prosperity that featured inclusiveness and a uniform concentration, and I undoubtedly attributed the final outstanding prize to our diversity of the mind.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Hi Wanning: Welcome! I have made a few suggestions in your essay.

WanningHi, I'm Wanning from Beijing, China.
Below is my essay for Whitman College, with the topic " What's your concept of diversity, and what experiences have you had that inform your thoughts.
Please help me to review, I'll truly appreciate your suggestions.

Diversity could mean differences leading to clashes and conflicts. But if people with different perspectives work together for mutual interest, this diversity can make ideas flourish.

When the 3^rd APEC Youth Science Festival took place in Beijing, I had the chance to meet and communicate with student delegates coming from all APEC member countries (Generally, we spell out an acronym the first time it is used, so that people will know what you are talking about. I don't know what APEC means.). During these unforgettable 8 days, I was immersed in a “Global” atmosphere which I shall always be grateful for. (do you mean that it was a memorable experience, or that it profoundly affected your opinions and beliefs? )

(You need a transition sentence to make it clear that this incident happened during the festival, and that the group had to produce an essay defending a thesis) In our group discussion, 15 members congruously (? unanimously) chose ~~the~~ “ bio-diversity” as the theme of our thesis. Seated at a round table (is there a significance to the table being round?), we talked about the various problems that were emerging in different areas. Danzengduoji from Tibet displayed the pictures of dying antelopes that had been poached by local hunters, Andy from America showed statistics he had collected for the endangered Florida sea turtles, and Lim Chuan from Malaysia drew our attention to orangutans that were in serious trouble in his country. Although the bio-diversity deterioration took on different looks (? aspects or manifestations) in different parts of the world, its harmful effects could (can) be universal. In the following days, many more heated discussions were held in our group and opinions on the solution were widely exchanged. (It is better to use active voice rather than passive) Some raised the idea of banning the trade of animal species between countries, some underscored the point of offsetting the loss of local people due to restricted animal huntings with substantial financial support, some even composed a song overnight to call for international joint actions towards (to address) the problem. Eventually, we finished a thesis which systematically consisted of the alarming situations experienced by our group members and the applicable solutions we had thoroughly debated ~~upon~~.

On the last day of the festival, on behalf of our 15 brilliant group members, I delivered our thesis to an audience of all student delegates present at the festival. I felt proud of our work that combined different perspectives yet stressed one mutual concern. I cheered for our idea prosperity ( is this the title of the thesis?) that featured inclusiveness and a uniform concentration (?), and I undoubtedly attributed the final outstanding prize (did your team win a prize?) to our diversity of the mind. (the diversity of minds in our group)

Wanning · Answer

Thanks very much, AlpheccaStars

Throughout the essay, I want to stress one point: Diversity could lead to idea flourishment. I've made some changes according to your suggestions.
Is this time better?

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Diversity could mean differences leading to clashes and conflicts. But if people with different perspectives work together for mutual interest, this diversity can make ideas flourish.

When the 3^rd Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation Youth Science Festival took place in Beijing, I had the chance to meet and communicate with student delegates coming from all APEC member countries.During these 8 days, I was immersed in a “Global” atmosphere which I shall never forget.

At the festival, our major task is to produce an essay defending a thesis. In our group discussion, 15 members unanimously chose “ bio-diversity” as the theme of our thesis. Seated together, we talked about the various problems that were emerging in different areas. Danzengduoji from Tibet displayed the pictures of dying antelopes that had been poached by local hunters, Andy from America showed statistics he had collected for the endangered Florida sea turtles, and Lim Chuan from Malaysia drew our attention to orangutans that were in serious trouble in his country. Although the bio-diversity deterioration took on different manifestations in different parts of the world, its harmful effects can be universal. In the following days, we held many more heated discussions during which opinions on the solution were widely exchanged. Some raised the idea of banning the trade of animal species between countries, some underscored the point of offsetting the loss of local people due to restricted animal huntings with substantial financial support, some even composed a song overnight to call for international joint actions to address the problem. Eventually, we finished a thesis which systematically consisted of the alarming situations experienced by our group members and the applicable solutions we had thoroughly debated.

On the last day of the festival, on behalf of our 15 brilliant group members, I delivered our thesis to an audience of all student delegates present at the festival. I felt proud of our work that combined different perspectives yet stressed one mutual concern. I cheered for our idea flourishment that featured inclusiveness yet one concentration, and I undoubtedly attributed the final outstanding prize that our team won to the diversity of minds in our group.

Calling friends to review my essay to Whitman College

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