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Silverhangshigh Posted 14 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Caesar Introduction

Comments and corrections?

Last summer I returned to spend a month working at the front desk of the West building of my uncle’s hotel in ....... China. It was fun and I met many people and saw many things and tried many foods. The hardest goodbye was not to the sea of rain-and-shine-umbrellas, the endless restless breathing subway malls, the clamoring tea houses, or the jabbering street vendors; save for the occasional bout of reminiscence brought about by singularly indecipherable olfactions, I would take very little from them and they would fade in my memory, growing dimmer each time I turned them over in my mind until I would no longer recall them past these vague expressionless words. The only exception to the decay is Caesar, from whom I would take much more than a memory of bitter cigarette smoke that clung perpetually to him.
  

Top answer

It's an unhappy admixture of registers, Silver. 'Singularly indecipherable olfactions', besides being insufferable fustian, is not anywhere near the same register as ' It was fun and I met many people'.

  • It's an unhappy admixture of registers, Silver.
  • 'Singularly indecipherable olfactions', besides being insufferable fustian, is not anywhere near the same register as ' It was fun and I met many people'.
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3 Answers
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It's an unhappy admixture of registers, Silver.

'Singularly indecipherable olfactions', besides being insufferable fustian, is not anywhere near the same register as ' It was fun and I met many people'.
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Exactly. How would you fix it?
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Start again and use simpler and more direct expressions.

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