CAE essay writing, need corecting

Question

Hello. I would be most grateful if somebody could correct my essay. I have signed up for CAE(C1)certificate. I would like to improve my essay writing to such an extend, that I could get at least mark B(75-79%). Thanks to everyone that took the time to read it and correct it. I would be also thankful to every response. Once again thank you for your time.

I have been ask to write and essay on fields of employment in which young people might find themselves working one day, namely: performing, business and science. I was asked to discuss two of them and provide a conclusion in the end. Essay should have minimum of 220 words.

Introduction

In my opinion the one thing than can in significance make people happier is the right type of career. Doing what you admire the most and even getting paid for it. Who would not want that. Fields of employment differ not only in the skills required, but also in the main purpose that they are aiming for. How should a young student decide which job to choose ? This is the question I will be trying to

answer.

Business field

The most controversial of all spheres of employment is the Business. It is crucially situated around the extroverts. Person who likes to bargain and show himself at the public is suited for this world. The controversy of the field resides in the financial support it receives from the government. It is viewed as a injustice that the area, which exists solely for the sake of making money and simultaneously upholds the most gigantic profits should also be allowed to apply for funding. And besides that vast majority of the people involved are there just for the sole purpose of getting the biggest salaries.

Scientific field

On the contrary I would like to introduce you to science. One of the most undervalued and underfinanced areas. Despite proving itself crucial to the future and evolution of humanity, science is still strictly under states control as there are not as humongous profits as in other fields. For this reason I consider scientists the noblest employees as they have to pay huge tuition fees at the start of their education and do not receive much at return.

Conclusion

From my point of view if you want to employ yourself in the field, which history had defined as the most vital for human progression and really have the pleasant feeling from working for the bigger purpose, I would consider scientific career as a choice.

Poster · Accepted Answer

It is important to see the exact question you were asked in order to mark it effectively.

The assessment criteria are here:

https://www.cambridgeenglish.org/images/cambridge-english-assessing-writing-performance-at-level-c1.pdf

An essay of this length would not usually have headings, although a business report might well.

In my opinion the one thing than can in significance make people [significantly] happier is the right type of career. Doing what you admire the most and even getting paid for it. [Not a sentence: there is no main verb.] Who would not want that. [? Avoid rhetorical questions in essays. ] Fields of employment differ not only in the skills required, but also in the main purpose that they are aiming for. How should a young student decide which job to choose ? This is the question I will be trying to

answer. [This tells me nothing: you need a thesis here. "Students should follow their interests, not the money" or something.]

The most controversial of all spheres of employment is the Business. [no article: no capitalization.] It is crucially situated around the extroverts. [Which extroverts? You have not mentioned any so far. What do you mean by 'business is situated around'? Business is dominated by? ] Person [missing article ] who likes to bargain and show himself at the public [Does this mean take off their clothes in public? ] is suited for this world. [Next comes an entirely different point: each paragraph must contain only one point of focus. ]The controversy of the field resides in the financial support it receives from the government. It is viewed as a injustice that the area, which exists solely for the sake of making money and simultaneously upholds the most gigantic profits should also be allowed to apply for funding. [Yet another discrete point in the same paragraph, undermining cohesion.] And besides that vast majority of the people involved are there just for the sole purpose of getting the biggest ['big' is generally informal, except in set phrases such as 'Big Data'] salaries.

On the contrary [Contrary to what? Contrary is about refuting an argument, not just introduce a new topic.] I [Better to avoid personal comments: keep it objective.]would like to introduce you to science. One of the most undervalued and underfinanced areas. [Not a sentence] Despite proving itself crucial to the future and evolution of humanity, [Our species lasted 300000 years without science: it can hardly be crucial. On the contrary it has spawned nuclear weapons, and plastics which may guarantee our demise. ] science is still strictly under states control [governmental control: it may be where you are, but not everywhere on this once-beautiful planet.] as there are not as humongous [informal] profits as in other fields. For this reason I consider scientists the noblest employees as they have to pay huge tuition fees at the start of their education and do not receive much at return. [Well they probably get significantly more than teachers.]

From my point of view if you want to employ yourself in the field, [defining relative clauses need no comma] which history had [has] defined as the most vital for human progression and really have the pleasant feeling from working for the [a] bigger purpose, I would consider [a] scientific career as a choice.

You begin with happiness as the main criterion, but fail to explain the relative significance of 'following your interests' and earning good money. Which plays the major role? Explain why. There is not enough logical progression to your argument.

To me, your error rate and language is not the issue: you need to work on planning your points and achieving a better score for 'communicative achievement'.

CAE essay writing, need corecting

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions