CAE essay, please I need correcting and opition

Question

I would like to humbly ask if you could check my essay. I have also included the task. I would also be glad for any opinion regarding my essay. Once again thank you a lot.

Methods governments could use to discourage the use of private cars in the city centre

investment
education ?
taxes ?

Some opinions expressed in the discussion

'Make businesses pay parking levies for their employees and they'll move out of the city centre.'

'Improve the public transport system, then people won't need their cars.'

'If people understood how much better pedestrianised city centres are, they wouldn't want to bring their cars in.'

Write an essay for your tutor, discussing two of the methods in your notes. You should explain which method you think is more important for governments to consider, giving reasons to support your opinion.

You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion but you should use your own words as far as possible. Write your essay in 220-260 words in an appropriate style.

Introduction

Yesterday as I was walking through the city, I have noticed considerable traffic in the centre. I immediately started thinking about the aftermath of all of this. Not only does it extremely affect the environment, but it also may cause a severe health issues to the citizens. This has proven as a valid point and most of cities councils all around the globe are trying to resolve this problem. A proper question might be in place. How would they do so ?

Taxes

The first efficient method that time has proven right is the taxation. Over the course of history people abandoned almost every aspect of lifestyle which determined itself as expansive. Take for example operas and theaters. Despite being fancy the cost was simply to much. So much that most people either regulated their visits to these cultural establishments or entirely stopped coming.

Officials should try to incorporate these forms of human greed into their plans for traffic regulation. More specifically I would propose to make a system of marks that drivers would have to purchase wish they drive through the city with their vehicle. This would eventually result in decrease of cars in the hearth of the city.

Investments

Furthermore I would like you to take into consideration the sufficient investments that council could make to increase the popularity of public transport. Lot of city inhabitants say that they are not upset about the condition of the busses, trains etc., but about the frequency in which are they operating. Taking bus from the centre to the total edge of town takes approximately twice as much time as it would be by car. In some places it is even slower than walking. For this reason public transport is nowhere near its full potential and cannot get closer to it unless these criteria are not fulfilled.

It would be advisable to more busses on the roads and to organize them more efficiently. With this precaution the usage of cars might be put down significantly as most of the people would take a bus on their daily routines instead of using their personal vehicle.

Conclusion

In order to reduce traffic as well as pollution we all should do our best in implementing the solutions mentioned about. However I consider taxes to have higher effectiveness as it would make even the most stubborn person to rethink his lifestyle.

Poster · Accepted Answer

"Don’t write answers that are much longer than the word limit as this means you may have included a lot of irrelevant material. Plan your answer carefully to avoid this. " See here:

https://www.cambridgeenglish.org/Images/230316-cambridge-english-advanced-faqs.pdf

https://www.cambridgeenglish.org/Images/286979-improve-your-english-checklist-c1.pdf

https://www.cambridgeenglish.org/exams-and-tests/advanced/preparation/

You must assess what kind of task this is: "Write an essay for your tutor". To me, 'tutor' suggests a tutor at university. It also states 'essay': an essay of this length would not have headings.

The task is to give your opinion as to which of the two approaches should be considered by government.

To me, the introduction is inappropriate for the task. The introduction should mention the two methods you will discuss, and give an indication of which one would best be considered by government.

The first efficient method that time has proven right is the taxation. Over the course of history people abandoned almost every aspect of lifestyle which determined itself as expansive. [spelling] Take for example operas and theaters. Despite being fancy the cost was simply to [too] much. So much that most people either regulated their visits to these cultural establishments or entirely stopped coming.

What are you going to tax? Much of this paragraph gives the impression that it is way off topic, because there is no mention of 'discouraging the use of private cars'.

Officials should try to incorporate these forms of human greed ['greed' seems to be the wrong word here.] into their plans for traffic regulation. More specifically I would propose to make a system of marks [This sounds like a 'congestion tax' similar to the one operating in London.] that drivers would have to purchase wish they drive through the city with their vehicle. This would eventually result in decrease [decreased usage] of cars in the hearth [heart] of the city.

Your essay should sound something like this article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Congestion_pricing

'Furthermore' adds a extra point to support an argument. I would suggest not to use it to start a paragraph.

Furthermore I would like you [Too personal: it all needs to be objective, except when specifically stating your preferred option. A report for a tutor needs an academic style similar to IELTS essays. Google some IELTS model answers for Task two to see what is required in terms of style. ] to take into consideration the sufficient investments that council could make to increase the popularity of public transport. Lot of ["Lots of" is informal.] city inhabitants say that they are not upset about the condition of the busses, [Spelling] trains etc., but about the frequency in which are they operating. Taking bus [Singular countable noun generally requires an article] from the centre to the total edge of town takes approximately twice as much time as it would be by car. In some places it is even slower than walking. For this reason public transport is nowhere near its full potential and cannot get closer to it unless these criteria are not [Misunderstanding meaning of 'unless'?] fulfilled.

It would be advisable to more busses on the roads and to organize them more efficiently. With this precaution the usage of cars might be put down [brought down] significantly as most of the people would take a bus on their daily routines instead of using their personal vehicle.

In order to reduce traffic as well as pollution we all should do our best in implementing [to implement] the solutions mentioned about. However [comma] I consider taxes to have higher effectiveness as it would make even the most stubborn person to rethink his [or her] lifestyle.

Again, not much wrong with your general English; simply a failure to understand what the task requires in terms of style and content. CAE is more complicated than IELTS insofar as the candidate must deduce from the question what style and layout is required for the situation. Here it is a quasi-academic essay. You will need to have a full repertoire for various situations. This is usually covered in a CAE course. In the meantime familiarize yourself with the preparation material provided by Cambridge.

CAE essay, please I need correcting and opition

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