Bulwer-Lytton Endorses "Eek"!

Question

This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to breakwind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as hecrept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism,was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep herfrom eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguinsoften do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, thecorpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know themeaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept alongthe greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!´"

"Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? All you do is change the words."
- Samuel Goldwyn

Usenet · Accepted Answer

[nq:1]This year's 10 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, aka "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel: 10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it." 9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens." 8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." 7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'" 6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley ***-change surgeon to become the woman he loved." 5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store." 4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." 3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." 2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies." AND THE WINNER IS... 1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!´"[/nq]
I've seen all of those before. Are you sure that is THIS year's list?

cd

The difference between immorality and immortality is "T". I like Earl Grey.

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]I've seen all of those before. Are you sure that is THIS year's list?[/nq]
Nope.

"Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? All you do is change the words."
- Samuel Goldwyn

Usenet · Answer

Random from 2008
http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm

Ted feared that the line between his jobs as plastic surgeon and butcher was blurring when he found himself injecting Botox into a rump roast he was preparing for his wife and mother-in-law, who was a decent person except for the hideous wart on her nose that begged to be removed a simple task for his boning knife.
Wayne Carmichael
Tyler, TX
The homicide detective was an aging woman with a crusty and somewhat ill-tempered personality, an individual who reminded me of the kind of woman my mother, a Sunday-school teacher, would have been if she had been a crusty and somewhat ill-tempered homicide detective. Bill Crumpler
McKinney, TX
It was common knowledge around town that Bill drank like a fish, the kind of fish that consumes large quantities of cheap scotch on a daily basis.
Brent Sheppard
Morganton, NC
Her name was Mauve, like the color of paint, which was apt: not only was she "pretty as a painting," she was also "smart as paint," and certainly as thin (assuming sufficient solvents had been added); she was, however, Arnold discovered when she stepped from the shower, a lot more fun to watch dry.
Steven W Alloway
Granada Hills, CA
The day started out as uneventfully as any other, and continued thus to midday and from there it was nothing at all to ease into an evening of numbing, undiluted monotony that survived unmarred by even the least act of momentary peculiarity-in fact, let's skip that day altogether and start with the day after.
Jon Starr
Rumford, ME
The dual-headed Zhiltoids from Beta Quadrant in the Crab Nebula, who lived entirely on a diet of steaming hot asphalt, thought they had died and gone to heaven upon landing in the Midtown Mall of Fresno, California on the planet Earth during the month they called 'July'. Gregory Homer
Sacramento

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]Ted feared that the line between his jobs as plastic surgeon and butcher was blurring when he found himself injecting ... on her nose that begged to be removed a simple task for his boning knife. Wayne Carmichael Tyler, TX[/nq]
)

RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"

Usenet · Answer

"Paulo Joe Jingy"
[nq:1]It was common knowledge around town that Bill drank like a fish[/nq]
I thought fish sucked in through their mouths then blew out behind their ears.

Martin B

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]Random from 2008 http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm The day started out as uneventfully as any other, and continued thus to midday and ... act of momentary peculiarity-in fact, let's skip that day altogether and start with the day after. Jon Starr Rumford, ME[/nq]
I rather like this one - kind of a nice Douglas Adams vibe to it.

Life Continues, Despite
Evidence to the Contrary
Steven

Usenet · Answer

[nq:2]Random from 2008 http://www.sjsu.edu/faculty/scott.rice/blfc2008.htm The day started out as ... and start with the day after. Jon Starr Rumford, ME[/nq]
[nq:1]I rather like this one - kind of a nice Douglas Adams vibe to it.[/nq]
Yes, it does.

RonB
"There's a story there...somewhere"

Usenet · Answer

[nq:1]I rather like this one - kind of a nice Douglas Adams vibe to it.[/nq]
I managed to get an entry published one year. Too lazy to go looking for it now so this is a recreation from memory...
"Moscow can be a cold kind of place, especially in winter, which is why I was grateful when Gennady playfully flicked me with his painfully thin gray towel in the changing room of the Moskva River Polar Bears Swimming Club."

"Here I am paying big money to you writers and what for? All you do is change the words."
- Samuel Goldwyn

Bulwer-Lytton Endorses "Eek"!

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions