Brush me up, please

Question

Hi,
I'm getting stared as a freelance translator and this is a sale email I've written for my potential clients. Would anyone please brush this up if this sounds like my own language then English. And/Or any suggestions are welcome, in terms of the style of my writing. ('cause sometimes I feel it's pushy)

Dear **
Hello. Recently I noticed that your iPhone App keeps good sales in Japan. Having visited your site on the App Store, I noticed that no option is currently available for your potential Japanese customers to view the application and the description in their native language. From the requests in the reviews, as I see them, translating those to Japanese would benefit both yourself and your future users in Japan.
Now, I have a special promotion running to the 31st of March 2010. I am delighted to be able to offer you a discounted rate of $0.** per word, applied only for iPhone apps and the descriptions on iTunes. I guarantees the quality of the translations, and will give a full refund to any of my customers who aren't completely satisfied.
(As aftercare, orders from 10 words are acceptable since the updates of the applications are quite usual)
For further information, please contact me at **

Thank you very much in advance. I appreciate you.
Jim

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hi Jim

Just my thoughts for you to consider. At the end of the day you have to feel comfortable with what you selling and writing. I've reorganised what you have written to give a fresh approach and by all means feel free to make changes.

With any sales pitch you are probably aware that you need a key 'hook' sentence to get the reader's attention and interest. I've tried that here and because business is always looking for new ways of making greater profits and expand their customer base.

Hope this helps you.

Dear (customer name)

Are you looking for ways of increasing your customer base with a value-added service for your iPhone application, especially for your Japanese customers?

I noticed from the reviews on your website that there is no translation service for this particular group of consumers for the above application - whom we both agree are significant buyers of new technology.

I am a web-based freelance translator who is fluent in the Japanese language and I believe that we could arrive at a mutually beneficial business arrangement.

Currently, I have a special promotion which runs to the end of March 2010 where I can offer you a rate of $0.00 per word exclusive to the iPhone application and iTune descriptions. Aftercare service is also available for orders of 10 words or more are acceptable as the updating of application is quite common.

I offer a 100% refund to any customer that is completelty satisfied. However, I work to very high standards and quality of work that you can be confident you are dealing with a total professional.

For further information and enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards

Jim

Mitsuo23 · Answer

Hi, thank you for taking time and for your writing. I'd worried I'd get no reply.

One more favor to ask (I promise, this is the last!), please.
Would you just point out the grammatical mistakes I have made in my previous writing? then I can try and see the responces of three versions: your writing, my writing, and my writing combined with your idea.

I hope I'm not asking you too much.
Thank you in advance,
J

Anonymous · Answer

Hi Jim

Grammatically, I do not think there is much to correct. I do have the advantage of being a native speaker of the English language, so when I read your draft sales pitch, I had a good idea of what type of service you were offering.

In your example, it was a matter of reorganising the information so that it flowed when it was being read and that it sounded more professional.

There are many examples of professional business letters and formats on the net that you can study which is a good way to become familiar with the type of language that is use, how it is organised and structured.

I've copied our examples onto this page so you can make comparisions and keep it as a guide for the future.

Chris's example

Dear Sir/Madam

Are you looking for ways of increasing your customer base with a value-added service for your iPhone application, especially for your Japanese customers?

I am a web-based freelance translator who is fluent in the Japanese language and I believe that we could arrive at a mutually beneficial business arrangement.

I noticed from the reviews on your website that there is no translation service for this particular group of consumers for the above application - whom we both agree are significant buyers of new technology.

Currently, I have a special promotion which runs to the end of March 2010 where I can offer you a rate of $0.00 per word exclusive to the iPhone application and iTune descriptions.

Aftercare service is also available for orders of 10 words or greater as the updating of application is quite common.

I offer a 100% refund to any customer that is completely satisfied. However, I work to very high standards and quality of work that you can be confident you are dealing with a total professional.

For further information and enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind regards

(Your full name)

Jim's Example

Dear **

Hello. Recently I noticed that your iPhone App keeps good sales in Japan. Having visited your site on the App Store, I noticed that no option is currently available for your potential Japanese customers to view the application and the description in their native language. From the requests in the reviews, as I see them, translating those to Japanese would benefit both yourself and your future users in Japan.

Now, I have a special promotion running to the 31st of March 2010. I am delighted to be able to offer you a discounted rate of $0.** per word, applied only for iPhone apps and the descriptions on iTunes. I guarantees the quality of the translations, and will give a full refund to any of my customers who aren't completely satisfied.
(As aftercare, orders from 10 words are acceptable since the updates of the applications are quite usual)

For further information, please contact me at **

Thank you very much in advance. I appreciate you.
Jim

Mitsuo23 · Answer

Thank you very much, Chris. I don't know what else to say, your help just means so much to me.

Though I only took a quick look now, I can see the ideas and the points in your writing clearer, thanks to your analysis. I was going to do what you just did for me, but after looking at yours, it would never have been successful like yours.

I'm going to read your reply again and again, and start to create a new version. It seems there are so many elements I need to handle and organize in order to write good sales emails, and more rooms to use my brains.

Thank you, Chris.

aki (real name)

Brush me up, please

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