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Anonymous Posted 21 years ago

Broken upon the floor

0 01b01u02br
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00Broken upon the floor 00finished 7-2-0502br
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00I lie broken upon the floor02br
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00 Waiting for something I can’t name.02br
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00 All my broken pieces scattered about02br
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00 With only me to blame.02br
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00I’ve forgotten how to hold on02br
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00 Or where I’m trying to go02br
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00 I only know I’m not there02br
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00 And I sit here alone.02br
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00The colors of the night sky02br
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00 Use to fill my dreams02br
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00 But now it feels so dark02br
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00 I can almost hear the screams.02br
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00No longer do I look forward 02br
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00 To feeling the sun upon my face02br
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00 I know I am stuck here02br
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00 Never to leave this place.02br
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00Now I live each day02br
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00 Tormenting my own soul02br
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00 For I remember I once had02br
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00 A heart so full.02br
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00I somehow let it all 02br
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00 Just slip away.02br
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00 And now I sit here02br
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00 More alone each day.02br
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00So here I am broken,02br
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00 Scattered upon the floor02br
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00 There’s not enough pieces of me02br
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00 To ever make it out the door.02br
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Top answer

0 The key concept, 'broken upon the floor' is quite nice. The rhythm is good, and the word choice simple and direct. You need to lose the coy left margin, whose wavy border creates the opposite effect ( a pleasant one) from what you intend.

— Mister Micawber

  • 0 The key concept, 'broken upon the floor' is quite nice.
  • The rhythm is good, and the word choice simple and direct.
  • You need to lose the coy left margin, whose wavy border creates the opposite effect ( a pleasant one) from what you intend.
  • 02br 02br 02br 02br 00 0-
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2 Answers
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0 The key concept, 'broken upon the floor' is quite nice. The rhythm is good, and the word choice simple and direct. You need to lose the coy left margin, whose wavy border creates the opposite effect ( a pleasant one) from what you intend. The poem also needs to be seriously shortened, as much of it is blather.02br
02br
00 Here are some lines that are too corny:02
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That night I saw

the vengence in your eyes

like an untamed fire

disguised with your superficial smile.

Under the soft blankets

I dreamt of your scars

you were once, an innocent soul

now so tainted, running from your past.

Tell me lover

was this planned from day one

blaming me for being a liar

only to
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