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Aelia Posted 19 years ago
Betrayal of life!
0 I am a seventeen year old girl.Have a look at my poetry... every kind of criticism is welcome 05 0 02 br
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00 My life, this tormented life,is no more than a broken dream, 02 br
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00 My thoughts are a book of grieve, 02 br
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00 My hopes, a story of sorrow, 02 br
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00 A thorn has pierced against my heart, 02 br
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00 And this eternal pain is tearing me apart. 02 br
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00 I cant survive another day! 02 br
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00 I want to die, and leave this cruel world, 02 br
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00 These verses are my only friends, 02 br
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00 They can uderstand my pain. 02 br
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00 I am a worthless, useless person.. 02 br
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00 I am no more what i used to be........ 010id 1
02 br
00 My life, this tormented life,is no more than a broken dream, 02 br
02 br
00 My thoughts are a book of grieve, 02 br
02 br
00 My hopes, a story of sorrow, 02 br
02 br
00 A thorn has pierced against my heart, 02 br
02 br
00 And this eternal pain is tearing me apart. 02 br
02 br
00 I cant survive another day! 02 br
02 br
00 I want to die, and leave this cruel world, 02 br
02 br
00 These verses are my only friends, 02 br
02 br
00 They can uderstand my pain. 02 br
02 br
00 I am a worthless, useless person.. 02 br
02 br
00 I am no more what i used to be........ 010id 1
Top answer
0 No replies... 05 0 010id 6
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8 Answers
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0 Hi Aelia, you've got a couple of errors: 02 br
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00 My thoughts are a book of grief, 02 br
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00 They can understand my pain. 02 br
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00 Life can be painful when you're a teenager. Rest assured you will grow out of it. 05 0 010id 2
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00 My thoughts are a book of grief, 02 br
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00 They can understand my pain. 02 br
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00 Life can be painful when you're a teenager. Rest assured you will grow out of it. 05 0 010id 2
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0 Like Nona said, there are many errors in this poem that distracted me while reading it. Unlike the last poem I read by you, this contains feeling and depth. The thorn is effective and using our hearts makes us understand the true pain initiated by such feelings endured. 02 br
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00 However there are problems apart from grammatical errors. The closing lines of the poem lack t
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00 However there are problems apart from grammatical errors. The closing lines of the poem lack t
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0 Thanks Triquediqual.. 02 br
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00 As a beginner.. i m trying my best.... 02 br
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00 And as english is not my native language..submitting my works here wud be helpful..... 02 br
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00 I hope u will help me with upcoming poems.. 02 br
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00 Once again, Thanks 02 br
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00 Aelia 0-
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00 As a beginner.. i m trying my best.... 02 br
02 br
00 And as english is not my native language..submitting my works here wud be helpful..... 02 br
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00 I hope u will help me with upcoming poems.. 02 br
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00 Once again, Thanks 02 br
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00 Aelia 0-
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0 I wouldn't have said there are 01 i 00 many 02 i 00 errors, only two really. 02 br
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00 I like the last line...a longing for the simplicity of childhood? 0-
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00 I like the last line...a longing for the simplicity of childhood? 0-
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It is important for everyone to express their feelings in a way that means something to them. You are quite entitled to call anything you write a poem and if it means something to YOU, that is all that is important.
But, when you show your poems to the world they will be judged. You are brave to share this poem with us and you have let us all know how you feel.
You use straightfo
But, when you show your poems to the world they will be judged. You are brave to share this poem with us and you have let us all know how you feel.
You use straightfo
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that was cool,
n really good
i like the original as well as the rewritten ones
cant decide which is the better
though later ones sound more simple
n more poetic
n really good
i like the original as well as the rewritten ones
cant decide which is the better
though later ones sound more simple
n more poetic
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