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Question

Hello everyone, I'm a new member here, and I wanted to share some of my poems with you!
Please give me your feedback

I wrote this when I was bored, but the name "Viva Vicious" was my insperation
I had read an abstract poem of a serine woman, so I decided to take the time and write this as a tribute to the writer, my friend.
Please take the time to give me your feedback
I've been used to writing 3 years ago but have stopped since then.
Now I'm back to writing, so yeah. Please do take the time to comment my poem

Her name is Viva Vicious
She's impure, she's malicious
She is vigorous and ambitious
In a quest to destroy your ambitions
Her dreamy arctic-blue eyes stare at the sky
Making you sink deep into her true lies
Throwing your love away as if it were a dice
Playing with your heart, fooling you; not once, not twice, but thrice
Lips soft and tender, colored bloody-red
Like a strawberry so sweet, but beware for she's about to start this blood-shed
Her hair is beautifully long, colored ivory-white
But she is not pretty, she hasn't a pleasant sight
There is no inner beauty that Viva Vicious has to hide
So step aside, and let the truth abide
A heart of a heartless woman, stigmatic, ebony-black
So cold and frigid, emotions are what this woman lack
Now watch her as she walks away giving you her back and nothing more
And think again.. Is this the woman you once adored??

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

.
Her name is Viva Vicious
She's impure, she's malicious-- great start!
She is vigorous and ambitious-- Your rhythm is collapsing
In a quest to destroy your ambitions-- 'ambitious' and 'ambitions' in juxtaposed lines is a poor choice. Your rhythm has died a terrible death.
Her dreamy arctic-blue eyes stare at the sky-- 'dreamy' and 'arctic' send a confused message
Making you sink deep into her true lies-- 'true lies' makes no sense
Throwing your love away as if it were a dice-- one 'die', two 'dice'.
Playing with your heart, fooling you; not once, not twice, but thrice-- 'thrice' is out of register here; don't be facile ('dice, twice, thrice')-- get serious.
Lips soft and tender, colored ******-red -- '******-red' is either too obvious or a misprint for 'blood red' (which is also too obvious)
Like a strawberry so sweet, but beware for she's about to start this blood-shed-- 'blood-red', 'blood-shed': awful!
Her hair is beautifully long, colored ivory-white-- first 'colored ******-red' and now 'coloured ivory-white'-- poets are supposed to use words imaginatively.
But she is not pretty, she hasn't a pleasant sight-- 'Isn't' not 'hasn't'
There is no inner beauty that Viva Vicious has to hide
So step aside, and let the truth abide-- Like 'dice, twice, thrice', we now have 'hide, aside, abide'. Not good
A heart of a heartless woman, stigmatic, ebony-black-- as with Snow White and Rose Red above
So cold and frigid, emotions are what this woman lack
Now watch her as she walks away giving you her back and nothing more
And think again.. Is this the woman you once adored??

Some good ideas in there. I like its straightforwardness. You need to start again.
.

Kawthar.K. · Answer

Mister Micawber.
Her name is Viva Vicious
She's impure, she's malicious-- great start!
She is vigorous and ambitious-- Your rhythm is collapsing
In a quest to destroy your ambitions-- 'ambitious' and 'ambitions' in juxtaposed lines is a poor choice. Your rhythm has died a terrible death.
Her dreamy arctic-blue eyes stare at the sky-- 'dreamy' and 'arctic' send a confused message
Making you sink deep into her true lies-- 'true lies' makes no sense
Throwing your love away as if it were a dice-- one 'die', two 'dice'.
Playing with your heart, fooling you; not once, not twice, but thrice-- 'thrice' is out of register here; don't be facile ('dice, twice, thrice')-- get serious.
Lips soft and tender, colored ******-red -- '******-red' is either too obvious or a misprint for 'blood red' (which is also too obvious)
Like a strawberry so sweet, but beware for she's about to start this blood-shed-- 'blood-red', 'blood-shed': awful!
Her hair is beautifully long, colored ivory-white-- first 'colored ******-red' and now 'coloured ivory-white'-- poets are supposed to use words imaginatively.
But she is not pretty, she hasn't a pleasant sight-- 'Isn't' not 'hasn't'
There is no inner beauty that Viva Vicious has to hide
So step aside, and let the truth abide-- Like 'dice, twice, thrice', we now have 'hide, aside, abide'. Not good
A heart of a heartless woman, stigmatic, ebony-black-- as with Snow White and Rose Red above
So cold and frigid, emotions are what this woman lack
Now watch her as she walks away giving you her back and nothing more
And think again.. Is this the woman you once adored??

Some good ideas in there. I like its straightforwardness. You need to start again.
.

Why thank you for your honest feedback, you know, you are the first person to ever give me such feedback! I was very pleased to read that.
I am just a bored teenager who is learning English as a second language, --Arabic is my mother-tongue

I've not studied poetry writing whatsoever, I'm only 17 years old and unfortunatley they dont teach me that in school.
What do you suggest for me to learn?Or start reading to improve?

Mister Micawber · Answer

.
I think that you have a very good ear for sounds, especially considering that you are you are still young and your mother tongue is not English. Poetry is not easy; most native speakers cannot write it. I think that you could develop into a decent poet (though here and in your other piece that I just tore apart on your other thread appear to be of the magic realism variety-- do you know Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the novelist?)

It is sometimes fun to just let your mind and tongue ramble, but good poetry is built carefully and patiently, like a lacquered bowl. Many of our greatest poets polished their verses for decades. Take just the ideas that you have written here and consider the single story, image or emotion that you really wish to convey. All of your words must work toward the perfect expression of that story/image/emotion. Forget about rhyme for a while. Work more on developing rhythm, and start by studying and PRACTICING writing in [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry)]METRICAL FEET[/url]. You may not want to write your own real poetry in metrical feet, but it is essential to learn to use them and feel them.

Bon voyage!
.

Kawthar.K. · Answer

Mister Micawber.
I think that you have a very good ear for sounds, especially considering that you are you are still young and your mother tongue is not English. Poetry is not easy; most native speakers cannot write it. I think that you could develop into a decent poet (though here and in your other piece that I just tore apart on your other thread appear to be of the magic realism variety-- do you know Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the novelist?)

It is sometimes fun to just let your mind and tongue ramble, but good poetry is built carefully and patiently, like a lacquered bowl. Many of our greatest poets polished their verses for decades. Take just the ideas that you have written here and consider the single story, image or emotion that you really wish to convey. All of your words must work toward the perfect expression of that story/image/emotion. Forget about rhyme for a while. Work more on developing rhythm, and start by studying and PRACTICING writing in http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry). You may not want to write your own real poetry in metrical feet, but it is essential to learn to use them and feel them.

Bon voyage!
.

Why, thank you! I don't know the novelist, no, but do you recommend any written pieces that I should read?
Oh, and indeed, it is really very fun to brainstorm, I enjoy letting all my thoughts out on paper.
It's like a threesome, my brain, paper and pen. Making love, lol.

I enjoy writing, no matter how horrible my writings are, I think it's healthy, dont you?
And I can not argue with your point!You are absolutley right! Good poetry is built very carefully, it is hard to accomplish fine work.

I will try to refine my poem, after I'd studied the Metrical Feet method! Thank you so much for your help!
I needed honset feedback, thanks for taking the time to give it.

Back to writing..

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