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I would be grateful if any of you proof read following application.

Request for Financial Aid

I would like to apply to apply for “Full Scholarship” offered by institution or “ABC Scholarship” to support my study at “XYZ institute
’.
To be honest I came from a typical middle class family of a third world country like AB. The tuition fee and living cost in a city like GG cannot be afforded neither by me nor my family. My father worked in AB Air force and retired in 1993 as Warrant Officer (It is the first Junior Commissioned Officers (JCO) rank of AB Air Force.). The salary of government employee is not competitive in my country. So he had not able manage savings from his salary and small amount of pension is the main source of his income. One of the most unfortunate parts of my life is that my father died on 13-03-2013, the date known as unlucky thirteen became extremely unfortunate for me.

My mother is alive and she owned a small house and renting out flat is the single source of her income. She gets about 37,000 Taka each month from house rent by which she bears her living expenditure. At present she lives in a small flat together with my sister in capital city. She is not in a position to provide me financial help to carry out my study in GG.

I did full-time job for 2 years in entry level position in country AB and I have not taken any money from my family since January, 2010 and bearing my own cost along with giving financial support to my family. Therefore, I do not have any personal savings to provide financial support to continue my tertiary education in GG. Presently I am pursuing my Education at University of BB where there is no tuition fee for student and I am receiving financial support from ‘State Educational Loan Fund’ under ‘QQ scheme’ to cover my living expenses. The Funding Body decision on education support 2013-14 is enclosed herewith for your kind perusal where you will find the details description of financial support. It is noteworthy that I also received the same amount of grant for 2012-13 academic years and financial grant was extended for 2013-14 due to my successful completion of first year with very satisfactory grade.

I have tried to describe my current financial situation and I cordially ask you to consider my application for financial assistance.

Doctor D · Accepted Answer

Here are my suggestions. My notes are in square brackets (I hope) and my changes are (mostly) in bold with the original wording crossed out.

Request for Financial Aid

I would like to apply to apply for the“Full Scholarship” offered by (your?) institution or the“ABC Scholarship” to support my study at “XYZ institute." [Don't put quote marks in actual letter]

To be honest(,) I came from a typical middle class family of a third-world country(,) ~~like~~ AB. Neither I nor my family can afford the tuition ~~fee~~ and the cost of living l~~iving cost~~ in a city like GG ~~cannot be afforded neither by me nor my family~~. [Avoid passive voice] My father worked in AB Air force and retired in 1993 as Warrant Officer (~~It is~~ the first Junior Commissioned Officers ~~(JCO)~~ rank of AB Air Force). The salary of a government employee is not competitive in my country. So he was ~~had~~ not able ~~manage savings~~ to save much from his salary or from the ~~and~~ small ~~amount of~~ pension that was is the main source of his income. One of the most unfortunate parts of my life is that my father (who the whole family depended upon) died just this last year. ~~on 13-03-2013, the date known as unlucky thirteen became extremely unfortunate for me.~~ [Skip this: the unluckiness is not relevant to your request]

My mother owns ~~is alive and she owned~~ a small house and renting out the flat is the single source of her income. She gets about 37,000 Taka each month from house rent by which she uses for ~~bears~~ her living expenses ~~expenditure~~. At present she lives ~~in a small flat~~ together with my sister in a small flat in the capital city. [Put the location words together] She is not in a position to provide me financial help to carry out my study in GG.

I ~~did~~ worked a full-time job for 2 years in an entry level position in country AB and I have not taken any money from my family since January 2010(.) I not only pay my own way, I also give ~~and bearing my own cost along with giving~~ financial support to my family. [Break up the long sentence thus] Therefore I do not have any personal savings available to provide financial support to while I continue my higher ~~tertiary~~ education in GG. Presently I am pursuing my education at the University of BB where there is no tuition fee for students and I am receiving financial support from the‘State Educational Loan Fund’ under ‘QQ scheme’ to cover my living expenses. The Funding Body decision on education support for 2013-14 is enclosed in case you wish to review that information. ~~herewith for your kind perusal where you will find the details description of financial support.~~ It is noteworthy that I also received the same size ~~amount~~ of grant for the 2012-13 academic year s and that my financial grant was extended for 2013-14 due to my very successful completion of the first year ~~with very satisfactory grade~~.

I hope I have adequately described ~~have tried to describe~~ my current financial situation and I cordially ask you to consider favorably my application for financial assistance.

Okay, those are my suggestions. I will note that you need to study more the use of articles (the, a, an), because you often miss putting them in where they are needed. Take what you find useful in my wording and good luck.

Mizanur · Answer

Thanks for your wonderful comments and I will be more cautious in using article.
I have to submit a Statement of Purpose in the application package. I already wrote a draft and I know it's a two page long and takes time to read it. I would really appreciate if you proof read this for me.Thanks a lot..

SOP

My interest in ‘International Development Studies’ was sowed during the early years of my Undergraduate level. I completed my bachelor’s degree in Public Administration from University of D and I obtained First class in my Bachelor. I had various courses with regard to development tactics and policy strategies, and studied the mixed successes of the policy makers in implementing them and my interest in Development Studies policy had been intensified day by day with the progress of my Bachelor.

I am currently pursuing my Master’s in Public Administration at University of B. So the following question may easily come up in the mind, why another Master’s? My current program and the thesis I am writing is entirely focused qualitative study and I am extremely curious to know about quantitative research. I have gone through the course curriculum offered by Master of Development Studies (MDev) programme and found that it provides foundation course for “Qualitative Methods”. Moreover, the program offers very much applied mood of learning and it has the workshop, research seminar and internship opportunity that would enable me to gain first-hand experience on research field and development sector.

The topic of my MS thesis is: “The Accountability Pattern of Nongovernmental Organizations (NGOs)” and my interest in development studies blossomed in writing thesis on NGOs. Through writing paper on Non-governmental organization, I have become more interested to flourish my career in development sector and at the same time I got closer view regarding various development issues. My short term objective is to develop excellent research and analytical skills and to discern potential areas of interest for a future PhD. My objective is to build my career in International Nongovernmental Organizations (INGOs) or Multilateral Organizations. Hence Master in Development Studies programme is a precise fit to my qualifications and career aspiration.

Another unique advantage of this program is that“The GI’ is situated in the heart of Geneva, a truly international city and a center of excellence for global governance. Geneva city is the centre for diplomacy due to the presence of diverse international organizations including the headquarter of UN and the Red Cross. In addition, Geneva hosts the maximum number of international organizations in the world. I consider it will be a rewarding experience pursuing studies in development studies in a city like Geneva.

I came to know that Graduate Institute Geneva got excellent hardware and software facilities that can be compared with some of the top listing countries having outstanding education system. The faculties of the university are well known and continuously contributing to the academic and research arena. An assistance of those esteemed faculties will definitely enhance my views, knowledge and know how on modern theories, techniques and technologies.
I have two years of experiences in different positions including both national and multinational corporations. I worked in a group of company (4500+ employee organization) as a Management Trainee for 9 months. Before that I worked as contact center executive at Grameenphone Ltd. Since Grameenphone is a venture of Telenor Group, various countries citizens are working here particularly Norwegian, Swedish, Indian, Chinese, and Bangladeshi etc. This kind of experience will assist me to adapt quickly with diverse environment.

My job experiences are not directly linked to my academic background. But I think it is not a fundamental shift from my core subject as Public administration is a multi-disciplinary subject. In addition to core social sciences courses, I have studied multifarious courses like financial administration, Human Resource Management, New Public Management etc. My varied job experiences played a vital role to enhance my communication skills and increase outstanding relationship building and networking skill as well. I have gained many transferable skills from different job experiences. At present, I would like accumulate experience in core research and development oriented issues. Therefore, I would like to take opportunities, like workshop & internship, are provided by MDEV program

While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I have been involved in various voluntary activities in both my home country and Norway. For instances, I worked as Public Relations Secretary for International Student Union, member of Dhaka University Tourist Society etc. Moreover, together with 3 team members, I managed to win the Case Competition 2013. Also, I love meeting new people, exploring new culture and gathering ideas and Graduate Institute Geneva can provide me such opportunities.

I believe that if I am given a chance to be a part of this MDEV program at GI institute, I can surely serve my cerebration to a greater expansion in various development issues. Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your positive reply.

Doctor D · Answer

Goodness! This is a bit more than I expected, but I will give you a quick check:

SOP

My interest in International Development Studies was sown during the early years of my undergraduate level. I completed my bachelor’s degree in Public Administration from the University of D and I obtained first class in that program. I had various courses with regard to development tactics and policy strategies, and studied the mixed successes of the policy makers in implementing them. My interest in Development Studies policy had been intensified day by day as I progressed through my bachelor degree program.

I am currently pursuing my Master’s in Public Administration at the University of B. So the following question may easily come up in the mind, why another Master’s? My current program and the thesis I am writing is entirely focused on qualitative study but I am extremely curious to know about quantitative research. I have gone through the course curriculum offered by the Master of Development Studies (MDev) program and found that it provides foundation course for Qualitative Methods. Moreover, the program offers an applied approach to learning and it has the workshop, research seminar and internship opportunities that would enable me to gain first-hand experience in the research field and development sector.

The topic of my MS thesis is: “The Accountability Pattern of Nongovernmental Organizations (NGOs)” and my interest in development studies blossomed in writing this thesis on NGOs. Through writing paper on non-governmental organization, I have become more interested in expanding my career in the development sector and at the same time I got a closer view regarding various development issues. My short term objective is to develop excellent research and analytical skills and to discern potential areas of interest for a future PhD. My objective is to build my career in International Nongovernmental Organizations (INGOs) or Multilateral Organizations. Hence the Master in Development Studies program [This is the American spelling] is a precise fit to my qualifications and career aspirations.

Another unique advantage of this program is that “The GI’ is situated in the heart of Geneva, a truly international city and a center of excellence for global governance. Geneva city is the centre for diplomacy due to the presence of diverse international organizations(,) including the headquarters of the UN and the Red Cross. In addition, Geneva hosts the greatest number of international organizations in the world. I consider it will be a rewarding experience pursuing studies in development studies in a city like Geneva.

I came to know that Graduate Institute Geneva has excellent hardware and software facilities that can be compared with some of the top listing countries having outstanding education systems. The faculties of the university are well known and continuously contributing to the academic and research arena. The assistance of those esteemed faculties will definitely enhance my views, knowledge and know-how on modern theories, techniques and technologies.

I have two years of experience in different positions including both national and multinational corporations. I worked in a company group [?] (4500+ employee organization) as a Management Trainee for 9 months. Before that I worked as contact center executive at Grameenphone Ltd. Since Grameenphone is a venture of Telenor Group, various countries's citizens are working here(,) particularly Norwegian, Swedish, Indian, Chinese, and Bangladeshi etc. This kind of experience will assist me to adapt quickly to a diverse environment.

My job experiences are not directly linked to my academic background. But I think it is not a fundamental shift from my core subject as public administration is a multi-disciplinary subject. In addition to core social sciences courses, I have studied various courses, like financial administration, human resource management, new public management etc. My varied job experiences played a vital role in enhancing my communication skills and increasing outstanding relationship building and networking skill as well. I have gained many transferable skills from different job experiences. At present, I would like accumulate experience in core research and development oriented issues. Therefore, I would like to take the opportunities, like workshop & internship, that are provided by the MDEV program

While my academic career is vitally important to me, so are my extracurricular activities. I have been involved in various voluntary activities in both my home country and Norway. For instance, I worked as Public Relations Secretary for the International Student Union, member of Dhaka University Tourist Society etc. Moreover, together with 3 team members, I managed to win the Case Competition 2013. Also, I love meeting new people, exploring new cultures and gathering ideas(,) and Graduate Institute Geneva can provide me such opportunities.

I believe that if I am given a chance to be a part of this MDEV program at GI institute, I can surely more fruitfully engage my mind [?] ~~serve my cerebration to a greater expansion~~ in various development issues. Thank you so much for your consideration and I look forward to your positive reply.

I hope this is clear. Some of my changes are invisible because I pulled the plural "s" off of various words that should be singular. I also removed your use of bold, both because I think it unnecessary and because I wanted you to see where I made changes. Done.

Mizanur · Answer

<img class='emoticon' style='Width:19px;Height:19px;' data-delaysrc='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' src='https://uat-englishforward-forums-backend.s3.us-west-2.amazonaws.com/Emoticons/1.gif' alt='Emotion: smile'/> The essay consists of 800 words (this was the world limit set by the institute). Thanks for your patience to go through it. I made adjustment based on your suggestion.

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