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Laurentracyfilm Posted 13 years ago
Grammar
as meanwhile???
I am writing a logline for my feature film (a one-liner that expresses the enticing aspects of the main story) and I am curious about my use of "as meanwhile". Please take a look and let me know if it is correct:
Amidst a vast desert, an orphan laying low must hide her crime from the law as meanwhile, her greatest threat builds within the psyche of the unstable visitor living in her house.
Thanks!
Amidst a vast desert, an orphan laying low must hide her crime from the law as meanwhile, her greatest threat builds within the psyche of the unstable visitor living in her house.
Thanks!
Top answer
Hello, laurentracy—and welcome to English Forums. As a logline, your sentence is rather turgid, and is not likely to pique the interest of the reader. You need to slim it down and slick it up.
- Hello, laurentracy—and welcome to English Forums.
- As a logline, your sentence is rather turgid, and is not likely to pique the interest of the reader.
- You need to slim it down and slick it up.
- An orphan is lying low from the law in the desert while danger threatens from an unstable visitor to her house.
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2 Answers
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Hello, laurentracy—and welcome to English Forums.
As a logline, your sentence is rather turgid, and is not likely to pique the interest of the reader. You need to slim it down and slick it up.
An orphan is lying low from the law in the desert while danger threatens from an unstable visitor to her house.
As a logline, your sentence is rather turgid, and is not likely to pique the interest of the reader. You need to slim it down and slick it up.
An orphan is lying low from the law in the desert while danger threatens from an unstable visitor to her house.
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Thanks for the comment. I tend to whittle down week by week, returning with fresh eyes.
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