Are you an observant writer?

Hello, I'm looking for an experienced writer to proofread a story I wrote. It's really short and based on an event of my life, so it's not fiction. I'm not much of a writer, so I would be very grateful if you could give me your feedback and your honest opinion on it. I can take brutal criticism.

Please leave your email or message it to me, as I would prefer to send it to you.