Are they ok? Which is better?

In a recent work, my boss asked me to translate an application for leave. Its important part was translated into English (from Vietnamese) as follows:


"I hereby apply to you leaders of 'Department I' for your consideration and approval of my taking leave of 2011 for the purpose of travelling to the U.S from 26/10/2011to 08/11/2011.

During the time abroad, I commit to abide by the regulations of the State of Vietnam and the local country. I will pay all related expenses on my own".

Then, it was corrected by the boss as follows:

"I hereby request management of 'Department I' to authorize me to take my 2011 annual leave for going on tour to the U.S.A from 26/10/2011 to 08/11/2011.
During the stay in foreign country, I undertake to comply with the regulations of Vietnam State and of the host country. All related expenses will be borne by myself".

And he concluded that my translation was poor, word for word. I wonder if he was right?


I need your help. Native speakers wanted.

Many thanks!



The Vietnamese version: Tôi la`m don na`y dê` nghi? la~nh da?o Vu? I xem xe´t, châ´p thuâ?n dê? tôi duo?c nghi? phe´p nam 2011 di du li?ch ta?i nuo´c Hoa ky`, tho`i gian tu` nga`y 26/10/2011 - 08/11/2011.
Trong tho`i gian di du li?ch, tôi xin châ´p ha`nh du´ng ca´c quy di?nh cu?a Nha` nuo´c Viê?t Nam va` nuo´c so? ta?i".