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Cboutin3 Posted 12 years ago
Grammar

Are these two sentences properly worded?

FYI- Iyraclea is the Ice Queen. After learning of his comrades’ capture, Brimstone traveled to Sossal to inform Zethrindor that Iyraclea had broken her pact with Sammaster and was seeking the power that was hidden within the ruins in the Novularond Mountains. Determined to obtain the power for himself, Zethrindor swiftly led the white dragons and ice drakes under his command to confront the Ice Queen, a situation that Brimstone saw as an opportunity to free his allies.
  

Top answer

cboutin3 FYI- Iyraclea is the Ice Queen. After learning of his comrades’ capture, Brimstone traveled to Sossal to inform Zethrindor that Iyraclea had broken her pact with Sammaster and was seeking the power that was hidden within the ruins in the Novularond Mountains. Determined to obtain the power for himself, Zethrindor swiftly led the white dragons and ice drakes under his command to confront the Ice Queen, a situation that Brimstone saw as an opportunity to free his allies.

— Philip

  • cboutin3 FYI- Iyraclea is the Ice Queen.
  • After learning of his comrades’ capture, Brimstone traveled to Sossal to inform Zethrindor that Iyraclea had broken her pact with Sammaster and was seeking the power that was hidden within the ruins in the Novularond Mountains.
  • Determined to obtain the power for himself, Zethrindor swiftly led the white dragons and ice drakes under his command to confront the Ice Queen, a situation that Brimstone saw as an opportunity to free his allies.
  • Not very natural.
  • Try a separate sentence: Brimstone saw this as an opportunity to free his allies.
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3 Answers
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cboutin3 FYI- Iyraclea is the Ice Queen. After learning of his comrades’ capture, Brimstone traveled to Sossal to inform Zethrindor that Iyraclea had broken her pact with Sammaster and was seeking the power that was hidden within the ruins in the Novularond Mountains. Determined to obtain the power for himself, Zethrindor swiftly led the white dragons and ice drakes under
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Thanks, how does this revision sound? Brimstone saw the coming altercation as an opportunity to free his allies.
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Oh, how I love that concise sentence!
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