anyone can help editing scholarship essay?

Question

i am senior student trying to apply a scholarship in an overseas uni. Here is my essay.

I'd like to hear some advice from you. Thanks a lot.

Nothing in the entire world is comparable to enjoying the satisfied smile appearing on your client’s face after they got help from you. It is this smile that attracts me to pursue a legal profession in the future.

As a law student, the heavy burden of study never beat me down; on the contrary, I ranked the first place in my class with a high GPA of 89/100 almost every year. As far as I know, acquiring necessary legal knowledge is never enough for a prospective lawyer. Thus, I participated in all conceivable kinds of extracurricular activities such as the Freshman Debate contest, the Lilv Cup Debate, the Campus Sports meeting, and even the Cooking competition, etc. It is my constant believe that the process of experiencing and learning is always more important than the results. According to these different practices, I built up a great confidence, improved spoken skill and made lots of new friends. In addition, as the Project Manager of SIFE (student in free enterprise), I managed a six-person group effectively. I allocated the task rationally to each group member based on their strengths in the time limited circumstances. At last we fulfilled the goal and won compliments from our partner, a CEO of a cooperative company.

Also, I am keen to volunteer work. In the first year of college, I free tutored a teenage girl from a single parent family for one year. When the girl made significant progress in her math’s examination with my help, the smile she worn touched me deeply. I saw the same smile on the face of the special athletes, when I gave them a hand in Special Olympics, and of the migrant workers’ children, when I prepared some toys to realize their small dreams. I always have the faith that a person’s self value will be proved and be improved by offering help to the needed. Besides doing volunteer work, I love traveling around in my spare time. Visiting a place is a vivid way of learning. The experience of being a backpacker benefited me a lot in scheduling and budgeting.

As we all know, law is such a comprehensive discipline that it requires abundant knowledge of all aspects of life. Everything I experienced and learned will play certain significant role in my perspective lawyer life. Moreover, after gaining exposure to various transnational disputes in and out of class, I developed a huge interest in international business law and determined to be a lawyer specialized in such area. Thus, pursuing a LL.M degree in an overseas university is indispensable for me who plan to work in a china branch of a foreign law firm such like Jones Day. However, the expense is too high for an ordinary Chinese family like mine. As an adult, I desire to be financial independent from my parents, because they have been working so hard to support me in the past 16 years that they sacrificed their health. Therefore, this scholarship will do me a great favor in reaching my dream of helping the needed ones as a lawyer.

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

It is far too wordy. I have stricken out words that should be omitted; you will have to revise the rest of the text to restore grammaticality. I have also underlined other problem areas:

Nothing ~~in the entire world~~ is comparable to enjoying the satisfied smile ~~appearing~~ on your client’s face after they got help from you. It is this smile that attracts me to pursue a legal profession ~~in the future~~.

As a law student, the heavy burden of study never beat me down; on the contrary, I ranked ~~the~~ first ~~place~~ in my class with a ~~high~~ GPA of 89/100 almost every year. ~~As far as I know,~~ acquiring necessary legal knowledge is never enough for a prospective lawyer. Thus, I participated in ~~all conceivable kinds of~~ extracurricular activities such as the Freshman Debate contest, the Lilv Cup Debate, the Campus Sports meeting, and even the Cooking competition, etc. ~~It is my constant believe that~~ the process of experiencing and learning is always more important than the results. ~~According to these different practices,~~ I built up a great confidence, improved spoken skill and made ~~lots of~~ new friends. ~~In addition,~~ as the Project Manager of SIFE (student in free enterprise), I managed a six-person group effectively. I allocated the task ~~rationally~~ to each group member based on their strengths in the time limited circumstances. ~~At last~~ we fulfilled the goal and won compliments from our partner, a CEO of a cooperative company.

Also, I am keen to volunteer work. In the first year of college, I free tutored ~~a teenage girl from a single parent family~~ for one year. When the girl made significant progress in her math’s examination ~~with my help~~, the smile she worn touched me deeply. I saw the same smile on the face of the special athletes, when I gave them a hand in Special Olympics, and of the migrant workers’ children, when I prepared ~~some~~ toys to realize their ~~small~~ dreams. I always have ~~the~~ faith that a person’s self value will be proved and be improved by offering help to the needed. Besides doing volunteer work, I love traveling; it ~~around in my spare time~~. ~~Visiting a place~~ is a vivid way of learning. ~~The experience of being a~~ backpacking benefited me a lot in scheduling and budgeting.

~~As we all know,~~ law is ~~such~~ a comprehensive discipline ~~that it requires~~ requiring ~~abundant~~ knowledge of all aspects of life. Everything I experienced and learned will play ~~certain significant~~ role in my ~~perspective lawyer life~~ career. Moreover, after ~~gaining~~ exposure to various transnational disputes ~~in and out of class~~, I developed a ~~huge~~ interest in international business law ~~and determined to be a lawyer specialized in such area~~. Thus, pursuing a LL.M degree in an overseas university is indispensable for ~~me who plan to work~~ working in a china branch of a foreign law firm ~~such like Jones Day~~. However, the expense is too high for an ordinary Chinese family like mine. ~~As an adult, I desire to be financial independent from my parents, because they have been working so hard to support me in the past 16 years that they sacrificed their health.~~ Therefore, this scholarship will ~~do me a great favor in reaching~~ help me attain my dream ~~of helping the needed ones as a lawyer~~.

Phoebe721 · Answer

Thanks a lot!  I will rewrite and post it again.

Phoebe721 · Answer

I did proof-reading and here is my revised version. I changed the structure. Hope it won't bring too much trouble to you.

This time I tried my best...and waiting for your advice.

Thanks in advance.

Nothing is comparable to enjoying the satisfied smile on people’s face after they receive help. It is this smile that attracts me to pursue a legal profession.

Since high school, books and TV programs about practicing law have interested me profoundly. Studying law at university brought me to a new world of jurisprudence. Having taken basic legal courses like Civil Law, Criminal Law, International Private Law, Contract Law and so on, my quest for knowledge has only intensified. Thus, I spent most nights at library reading books like Social Contract by Rousseau, of Crimes and Punishments by Cesare Beccaria, A Theory of Justice by John Rawls, etc. Certainly, due to my diligence and intelligence, I topped my class in many courses and ended up with a GPA of 3.5/4.0.

Since basic legal knowledge is never enough for a prospective lawyer, I participated in extracurricular activities to put what I learnt into practice. I have been a member of our college’s legal advisory team for three years, which benefits me a lot in resolving real legal issues. During my internship at HuaLi Law Firm, I was appointed several important tasks like drafting legal documents, registered cases due to my excellent writing skill and strong sense of responsibility.

Besides, I am an active participant of various campus activities such as the debate for freshman, the Lilv Cup moot court, the cuisine competition, etc. Although I failed in some contests, I still believe that the process of experiencing and learning is always more important than the results. By taking these activities, my confidence was improved and my communication skill was advanced.

As the editor in chief of a biweekly campus magazine, I introduced a new column which became popular among students. Moreover, our team under my direction accomplished the publicity work of the University Cuisine Festival. Also, as the project manager of SIFE, a global student organization, I planned and managed a four-day embroidery exhibition at Shanghai New International Exhibition Centre.

Outside pure academics and leadership roles, I am keen on volunteer work. In my freshman year, I tutored a teenage girl in math for free. When she made significant progress in her examination, the smile she worn touched me deeply. I saw the same smile on the faces of the special athletes when I helped them in Special Olympics and the migrant workers’ children when I made toys to realize their dreams. I always have faith that individual value will be proved and improved by offering help to those in need.

Moreover, after exposure to plenty of transnational business disputes, I resolved to specialize in international commercial law to help those companies out of troubles. Thus, pursuing a LL.M degree in an overseas university becomes indispensable for me. However, the expense is too high for an ordinary Chinese family like mine. Therefore, this scholarship will help me achieve my dream.

Mister Micawber · Answer

Hi, Phoebe. Much better. As before, I have underlined problem areas and stricken out unnecessary words:

Nothing is comparable to enjoying the satisfied smile on people’s face after they receive help. It is this smile that attracts me to ~~pursue~~ a legal profession.

Since high school, books and TV programs about practicing law have interested me profoundly. Studying law at university brought me to a new world of jurisprudence. Having taken basic legal courses like Civil Law, Criminal Law, International Private Law, and Contract Law ~~and so on~~, my quest for knowledge has only intensified. Thus, I spent most nights at library reading books like The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, On Crimes and Punishments by Cesare Beccaria, A Theory of Justice by John Rawls, etc. ~~Certainly, due to my diligence and intelligence,~~ I topped my class in many courses and ended up with a GPA of 3.5/4.0.

Since basic legal knowledge is never enough for a prospective lawyer, I participated in extracurricular activities to put what I learnt into practice. I have been a member of our college’s legal advisory team for three years, which benefits me a lot in resolving real legal issues. During my internship at HuaLi Law Firm, I was assigned several important tasks like drafting legal documents, registered cases because of my excellent writing skill and strong sense of responsibility.

Besides, I am an active participant of various campus activities such as the debate for freshman, the Lilv Cup moot court, the cuisine competition, etc. Although I failed in some contests, I still believe that the process of experiencing and learning is always more important than the results. By taking these activities, my confidence was improved and my communication skill was advanced.
As the editor-in-chief of a biweekly campus magazine, I introduced a new column which became popular among students. Moreover, our team under my direction accomplished the publicity work of the University Cuisine Festival. Also, as the project manager of SIFE, a global student organization, I planned and managed a four-day embroidery exhibition at Shanghai New International Exhibition Centre.

Outside pure academics and leadership roles, I am keen on volunteer work. In my freshman year, I tutored a teenage girl in math for free. When she made significant progress in her examination, the smile she worn touched me deeply. I saw the same smile on the faces of ~~the~~ special athletes when I helped them in the Special Olympics and of the migrant workers’ children when I made toys to realize their dreams. I always have faith that individual value will be proved and improved by offering help to those in need.

Moreover, after exposure to plenty of transnational business disputes, I resolved to specialize in international commercial law to help those companies out of troubles. Thus, pursuing an LL.M degree in an overseas university becomes indispensable for me. However, the expense is too high for an ordinary Chinese family like mine. Therefore, this scholarship will help me achieve my dream.

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Phoebe721 · Answer

Hi,Micawber. Thank you very much for your patience. Your advice is really helpful.

Here is the revised one. I know my english writting is not good,but still hope that it will help others.

Nothing is comparable to enjoying the satisfied smile on your clients’ face after they receive help. It is this smile that attracts me to the legal profession.

Since high school, books and TV programs about practicing law have interested me profoundly. Studying law at university brought me to a new world of jurisprudence. Having taken basic legal courses like Civil Law, Criminal Law, International Private Law and Contract Law, my quest for knowledge has only intensified. Thus, I dedicated most nights to reading books like The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, On Crimes and Punishments by Cesare Beccaria, A Theory of Justice by John Rawls, etc. I topped my class in many courses and ended up with a GPA of 3.5/4.0.

Since basic legal knowledge is never enough for a prospective lawyer, I participated in extracurricular activities to put what I learnt into practice. I have been a member of our college’s legal advisory team for three years, which benefited me in resolving real legal issues. During my internship at HuaLi Law Firm, I was assigned several important tasks like drafting legal opinions and registering cases because of my excellent writing skill and strong sense of responsibility.

Also, I am an active participant for various campus activities such as the debate for freshman, the Lilv Cup moot court, the cuisine competition, etc. Although I failed in some contests, I still believe that the process of experiencing and learning is always more important than the results. By taking these activities, my confidence was improved and my communication skill was advanced.

As the editor-in-chief of a biweekly campus magazine, I introduced a new column which became popular among students. Moreover, our team under my direction accomplished the publicity work for the University Cuisine Festival. Also, as the project manager of SIFE, a global student organization, I planned and managed a four-day embroidery exhibition at Shanghai New International Exhibition Centre.

Outside pure academics and leadership roles, I am keen on volunteer work. In my freshman year, I tutored a teenage girl in math for free. When she made significant progress in her examination, the smile she wore touched me deeply. I saw the same smile on the faces of special athletes when I helped them in the Special Olympics and of the migrant workers’ children when I made toys to realize their dreams. I always have faith that individual value will be proved and improved by offering help to those in need.

Moreover, after exposure to lots of transnational business disputes, I resolved to specialize in international commercial law to help such companies out of trouble. Thus, pursuing an LL.M degree in an overseas university becomes indispensable for me. However, the expense is too high for an ordinary Chinese family like mine. Therefore, this scholarship will help me achieve my dream.

Mister Micawber · Answer

OK, once more-- I am now suggesting further changes for better style:

Nothing compares to the satisfied smile on your clients’ face after they receive help. It is this smile that attracts me to the legal profession.

Since high school, I have been profoundly interested in books and TV programs on the law, but studying law at university brought me to a new world of jurisprudence. Having taken basic legal courses like Civil Law, Criminal Law, International Private Law and Contract Law, my quest for knowledge has only intensified. I dedicated most nights to reading books like The Social Contract by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, On Crimes and Punishments by Cesare Beccaria, and A Theory of Justice by John Rawls. I topped my class in many courses and graduated with a GPA of 3.5/4.0.

Basic legal knowledge is never enough for a prospective lawyer, and I participated in extracurricular activities to put what I learnt into practice. I have been a member of our college’s legal advisory team for three years, which benefited me in resolving real legal issues. During my internship at HuaLi Law Firm, I was assigned several important tasks like drafting legal opinions and registering cases because of my excellent writing skills and strong sense of responsibility.

Also, I am an active participant in various campus activities such as the freshman debate, the Lilv Cup moot court, and the cuisine competition. I did not win every contest, but I believe that the process of experiencing and learning is always more important than the results. By joining in these activities, I bolstered my confidence and improved my communication skills.

As the editor-in-chief of a biweekly campus magazine, I introduced a new column which became popular among students, and our team under my direction accomplished the publicity for the University Cuisine Festival. Also, as the project manager of SIFE, a global student organization, I planned and managed a four-day embroidery exhibition at Shanghai New International Exhibition Centre.

Outside pure academics and leadership roles, I am keen on volunteer work. In my freshman year, I tutored without fee a teenage girl in math. When she made significant improvement in her examinations, the smile she wore touched me deeply. I saw the same smile on the faces of special athletes when I helped them in the Special Olympics and of the migrant workers’ children when I made toys to realize their dreams. I always have faith that individual value will be proved and improved by offering help to those in need.

Anonymous · Answer

thanks a lot one more time.  This bbs is really helpful for learning writting.  Micawber, do you have any advice on improving writting skill?

Mister Micawber · Answer

The best single aid is readin:  read as much as you can, of the kind of writing you want to do-- and pay attention to how the professionals do it.

anyone can help editing scholarship essay?

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