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Peaceblinkfriend Posted 19 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Any suggestions about this descriptive writing? thanks a lot.

0 01b00Do have any suggestions about this descriptive writing? Please correct my writing. Thanks a lot. 02b02br
02br
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes two modestly dressed old men were walking together. 02br
02br
00 The air was cold this autumn evening. So was the atmosphere. The Kentkoch had advanced to the Soire Lake and it wouldn't be ling before the allies had to retreat. Time was running out.02br
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00 "The commander-in-chief wouldn't be able to stand against the advancing germans," Farach, one of the old men said in a uncertain voice. The forest they were walking in was unusually quiet. There were no bird's songs, no wind blowing, just the occasional vigourous exploding sounds from the east. The quietness was the reason Farach had chosen this place.02br
02br
00 The old men had sorrowful faces. They had faces of philosophers who were thinking deeply about the meaning of life. Understandable. No one would haveev ever thought of this happening. Lochev replied, "We must deploy it. We have no choice." His voice was filled with both determination and despair. 02br
02br
00 The walked down the path, not knowing they had just made a decision that would completely change the world. 01i02br
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02i
01b00Best wishes,02br
00Ernest02b
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Top answer

0Hi Peaceblinkfriend,02br 02br 00I like it. 02br 02br 00I only have a few suggestions. 01blockquote 00The sun was setting.

  • 0Hi Peaceblinkfriend,02br 02br 00I like it.
  • 02br 02br 00I only have a few suggestions.
  • 01blockquote 00The sun was setting.
  • In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes two 11b 10modestly12b 10 11b 10dressed12b 10 old men were walking together.
  • (11b 10Are they soldiers?
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6 Answers
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0Hi Peaceblinkfriend,02br
02br
00I like it. It keeps me wondering what will happen next and I want to read more.02br
02br
00I only have a few suggestions. Feel free to ignore them since I'm not exactly an expert around here.01blockquote
00The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes two 11b10modestly12b10
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0Just to add, this is great for a first draft. 050010id1
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0Thank you for your comments, suggestions and complement, Julie.05000 I really appreciate it.02br
02br
00This is my second attempt. I would very much appreciate any comments or suggestions from you all. It would be wonderful if you could correct it. Thank you. 02br
02hr
00 The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes, two modestly dres
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I will appreciate any and every suggestion. Emotion: smile

Best wishes,

PBF
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Something I tried in my creative writing course: cut up the piece, rearrange them, and along the way, discover a better way of telling the story. For example:
Peaceblinkfriend
The sun was setting. In the heart of the Bachkov Bushes, two modestly dressed old men were walking together. One of the men, Farach, was wearing a badge of the Kentsink Republic. Lochev, the
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You can also try having the characters interact more with the environment.

e.g.

Snowy season was still a month away, yet Lochev, in his (whatever he's wearing), couldn't stop trembling. (Readers now wonder if he's afraid or if he's really cold.) He looked around him. (Then describe what he saw.) "Are you sure no one is overhearing us?" Lochev asked.

Farach listened. (No

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