Any comments / suggestions for this ?

Question

Dear Sir or Madam,I am applying for the Postgraduate Diploma of Information Technology Management, as this is my first stepto pursue the Master of Management in Information Technology.With over 18 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, and now as a Technical Manager, I do feela need to see the context from the other side. Having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified Scrum Master ),indeed help me for that purpose. But yet, this is still not enough. Having an MMIT will definitely increase confidencein my abilities to think "out of box", as well as to bolster my career progression.There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [xyz]. I've compared the MMIT subjects from various university.To name a few, the academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses, perfectly suit myinterests.I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this programme. I would be grateful if my application for this programme is considered and accepted.Yours faithfully,*** ***

Buset07 · Accepted Answer

Any help at all please ?

RayH · Answer

I would recommend reworking this paragraph. For example, what is the "other side"? "help me for that purpose", what purpose? Maybe leave out entirely "But yet, this is still not enough."
With over 18 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, and now as a Technical Manager, I do feel
a need to see the context from the other side. Having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified Scrum Master ),
indeed help me for that purpose. But yet, this is still not enough. Having an MMIT will definitely increase confidence
in my abilities to think "out of box", as well as to bolster my career ~~progression~~ opportunities [?].

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [xyz]. I've compared the MMIT subjects [do you mean "programs" here?] from various ~~university~~ universities.
To name a few [a few what?], the academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses, perfectly suit my
interests. [This is unclear. Are you comparing various programs of study or praising the particular university you have chosen to apply to?]

Buset07 · Answer

Thanks RayH for your suggestions. I have reworked my statement into :

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Postgraduate Diploma of Information Technology Management, as my first step
in pursuing the Master of Management in Information Technology.

My educational history was not really complete. After attended only 3 months at [***], one of the elite university in [ZZZ],
I received a scholarship from a French NGO to pursue my university study in France. After taking the French course
and various part-time job to practise it, I went to the University of [YYY]. Unfortunately, the scholarship did not
cover until the end of the program, so my familly needed to cover the cost. Before the end of the program, we had a very
difficult situation which lead me to leave the university to get a job. I was really sad of the situation, we could not do anything.
But, I always keep in my mind, that this is not the end of the world. Someday, I had to get a degree. This was a debt that I had to
reimburse.

My first job was as Software Developer. This was where I put into practise what I learned from university, such as algorithme, programming
technic, database, code optimisation, design, architecture, etc. When I confronted with some technical issues, I consulted to books,
articles, and various forums. Apart technical issues, I was challenged by human factor as well, horizontally and vertically,
how to share my knowledge for the benefit of the team. Over the years, I sharpened these best practises, and my career progressed.
Although the progression of my career, somehow deep inside my mind, I was followed by a thought that I still don't have a degree.
So I took various training courses that may increase my technical skills, more beneficial for the company I worked for. I had more
technical responsibilities, as well as team responsibilities.

I was hired by a software house company in [DDD] as a Technical Manager. I was not only involved in the software engineering aspect,
but as well the team development management and company related business aspects. After 10 months of self-study, I'm now a PMP Certified.
That certification helped me a lot in dealing with quality, risk, time, human resources managements. As I keep sharpening my skills
on management, I came across the Agile Software Process Managements. One of those is Scrum, which I took the training in [LLL].
By having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified ScrumMaster ), I become more useful to my company and be able to assume
positions of greater responsibilities.

Despite those two certifications, I still have a feeling toward a debt that I had to reimburse, I am thirst for additional
business knowledge. I like a challenge, and I want to learn more on how to use technology to solve business problems, how to manage
technology solutions, how to harness the talent in others, and how to think and lead strategically.
A Master degree will greatly increase my overall marketability, and a pay-off of my debt.

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [xyz].
The academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that is flexible in helping me
balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.

I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this programme. I would be grateful if my application for this programme is considered and accepted.

Yours faithfully,
*** ***

Any more suggestions ? Thanks.

RayH · Answer

I hate to have to say this but you went from a pretty clear, concise statement that just needed a little rework to something that is almost unreadable. Don't overdo it. Just clarify your original statement using my questions and comments as a guide.

Buset07 · Answer

Thanks RayH for comments. The initial draft is too short, so I put additional informations.

Buset07 · Answer

OK, how about this :

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Postgraduate Diploma of Information Technology Management, as my first step
in pursuing the Master of Management in Information Technology.

My educational history was not really complete. ~~After~~ I attended only 3 months at [***], one of the elite university in [ZZZ],
because I received a scholarship from a French NGO to pursue my university study in France.
After taking the French course and various part-time job to practise it, I went to the University of [YYY]. Unfortunately, the scholarship did not
cover until the end of the program, so my familly needed to cover the cost. Before the end of the program, we had a very
difficult situation which lead me to leave the university to get a job. I was really sad of the situation, we could not do anything.
But, I always keep in my mind, that this is not the end of the world. Someday, I had to get a degree. This was a debt that I had to
reimburse.

My first job was as a Software Developer. This was where I put into practise what I learned from university, such as algorithm, programming
technique, database, code optimisation, design, architecture, etc. When I confronted with some technical issues, I consulted to books,
articles, and various forums on the internet. Apart technical issues, I was challenged by human factor as well, horizontally and vertically,
how to share my knowledge for the benefit of the team. Over the years, I sharpened these best practises, and my career progressed.
~~Although~~ Despite the progression of my career, somehow deep inside my mind, I was followed by a thought that I still don't have a degree.
So I took various training courses that may increase my technical skills, more beneficial for the company I worked for. I had more
technical responsibilities, as well as team responsibilities.

I was hired by a software house company in [DDD] as a Technical Manager. I was not only involved in the software engineering aspect,
but as well the team development management and company related business aspects.
With over 10 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, I do feel a need to see the context from non-technical side. PMP was an option at that time. After 10 months of self-study, I'm now a PMP Certified.
That certification helped me a lot in dealing with ~~quality, risk, time, human resources~~ various aspects managements. As I keep sharpening my skills on management, I came across the Agile Software Process Managements. One of those is Scrum, which I took the training in [LLL].
By having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified ScrumMaster ), I become more useful to my company and be able to assume
positions of greater responsibilities.

Despite those two certifications, I still have a feeling toward a debt that I had to reimburse, I am thirst for additional
business knowledge. I like a challenge, and I want to learn more on how to use technology to solve business problems, how to manage
technology solutions, how to harness the talent in others, and how to think and lead strategically.
A Master degree will greatly increase my overall marketability, and a pay-off of to my debt.

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [xyz].
The academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that is flexible in helping me
balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.

I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this programme. I would be grateful if my application for this programme is considered and accepted.

Yours faithfully,
*** ***

Any more suggestions ? Thanks.

Buset07 · Answer

I appreciate anyone who could help me out. Thanks.

Buset07 · Answer

Another version :

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am applying for the Postgraduate Diploma of Information Technology Management, as my first step
in pursuing the Master of Management in Information Technology.

My educational history was not really complete. ~~After~~ I attended only 3 months at [***], one of the elite ~~university~~ universities in [ZZZ],
because I received a scholarship from a French NGO to pursue my university study in France.
After taking the French course and various part-time jobs to practise it, I went to the University of [YYY]. Unfortunately, the scholarship did not
cover until the end of the program, so my familly needed to cover the cost. Before the end of the program, we had a very
difficult situation which ~~lead~~ led me to leave the university to get a job. I was really sad of about the situation, we but could not do anything else.
~~But~~ However, I always ~~keep~~ kept in my mind that this is not the end of the world. Someday, I ~~had to~~ would get a degree. This was a debt that I had to
reimburse.

My first job was as a Software Developer. This was where I put into practise what I learned from university, such as algorithm, programming
technique, database, code optimisation, design, architecture, etc. When I confronted with some technical issues, I consulted to books,
articles, and various forums on the internet. Apart from technical issues, I was challenged by the human factor as well, ~~horizontally and vertically,~~
and how to share my knowledge for the benefit of the team. Over the years, I sharpened these best practises, and my career progressed.
~~Although~~ Despite ~~the progression of my career~~ this, somehow deep inside my mind, I was ~~followed~~ bothered by a thought that I still ~~don't~~ did not have a degree.
So I took various training courses that may increased my technical skills, more beneficial for the company I worked for. I had more
technical responsibilities, as well as team responsibilities.

I was hired by a software house company in [DDD] as a Technical Manager. I was not only involved in the software engineering aspect,
but ~~as well the~~ also on team development management and company related business aspects.
With over 10 years of experience dealing with technical aspect of IT, I do feel a need to see the context from non-technical side. PMP was an option at that time. After 10 months of self-study, I'm now a PMP Certified.
That certification helped me a lot in dealing with ~~quality, risk, time, human resources~~ various aspects of managements. As I keep sharpening my skills on management, I came across the Agile Software Process Managements. One of those is Scrum, which I took the training in [LLL].
By having two certifications, PMP and CSM ( Certified ScrumMaster ), I ~~become~~ became more useful to my company and be able to assume
positions of greater responsibilities.

Despite those two certifications, I still have a feeling toward a debt that I had to reimburse, I am thirst for additional
business knowledge. I like a challenge, and I want to learn more on about how to use technology to solve business problems, how to manage
technology solutions, how to harness the talent in others, and how to think and lead strategically.
A Master's degree will greatly increase my overall marketability, and a pay-off of to my debt.

There are many specific reasons why I want to pursue the MMIT at [xyz].
~~The~~ Its academic reputation, the availability of an extensive range of courses, and the online courses that is are flexible in helping me
balance professional goals, work pressure, and family responsibilities.

I am confident that I am qualified and able to perform well in this programme. I would be grateful if my application for this programme is considered and accepted.

Yours faithfully,
*** ***

Anyone has suggestions ? Thanks.

Any comments / suggestions for this ?

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions