Another Personal Statement

If one were to ask my friends to describe me, they would describe me as a very pleasant, diverse, active and intelligent young woman. I think, one of my distinguishing characteristic is the diversity of experiences I posses. I was a science student in my high school with a flair for the arts and fashion. I also have a passion for traveling, and understanding different cultures of the world. All these elements have given me a very broad outlook with varying degrees of knowledge in a range of topics. I strongly believe that although some are not related directly, all these qualities will influence my future career. This blend has made me a woman with an original point of views and given me a broader perspective to and a good understanding of life and a goal to aim for. Graduating from IGTC, I had decided that FashionMerchandising(FM) would be my future carrier. I was offered an internship job at BusanaApparelGroup for 1 year, a garment manufacturer which ranks as among Indonesia's largest. There I learned how to apply the principles and lessons from IGTC to real life job experience. It was fascinating; and transformed my interest in merchandising into a passion. The immense of opportunity in the Indonesian market place has developed my passion into a goal to help my country to face economic challenge. I believe Indonesia has the power to develop its natural talent to become a major player in garment manufacturing amongst SE Asian country, more even in the international market place. I believe that the admissions committee finds my background and strengths commensurate with the requirements of this awards in fashion and textile merchandising

so i am going to apply for a scholarship program in germany, but i am not sure about my personal statement. i have been revising for thousand times, but still not sure of my grammatical errors!!
i have given it to some proof-reading services, but i need more opinion, please....

i really need your help to suggest any closing sentences/ phrase.
i am running out of idea please