another letter welcome corrected

Question

Here's a letter in the form of enquiry. All the words in bold indicate where I feel quite unsure and suffer from finding better expressions. Any corrections about those would be appreciated.

Thanks

Chengwei Liu

Dear Sir or Madam,

I learn from the Google’s newsgroup that the places can be rented for activities at your park. As the location of the park is favorable, I intend to have a rent and I am writing to enquire about some detailed circumstances/conditions. Any related response would be appreciated. Below is the details. 51

I am going to hold a picnic in late November. During that time, when will there be any places available at your park? How long in advance is the reservation supposed to be made? And, how much is the rent charge? Is there any deposit required? Also I wonder if there is any discount or if there are some preferential activities? 61

In order to make a good preparation for the picnic, tomorrow I would like to have a quick look at the surroundings inside the park. I hope you would provide me with further introductions or some specific items worth caution. 40

Thank you for your assistance. If you have any questions, please contact me at 012-345678. A prompt reply will be appreciated. 21

Yours sincerely,

Nona the brit · Accepted Answer

I have learned from the Google’s newsgroup that areas for activities can be rented at your park. As the location of the park is favorable, I would like to rent an area am writing to enquire about the details of hire. I would really appreciate your response and any information.

I am going to hold a picnic in late November. During that time, when will there be any places available at your park? How long in advance is the reservation supposed to be made? And, how much is the rental charge? Is there any deposit required? Also I wonder if there are any discounts or any preferential activities?

In order to make a good preparation for the picnic, tomorrow I would like to have a quick look at the surroundings inside the park. Would you please provide me with further information or some (specific items worth caution. 40 - don't know what you mean by this).

Thank you for your assistance. If you have any questions, please contact me at 012-345678. A prompt reply will be appreciated. 21

Yours sincerely,

Leolyy · Answer

Thanks for the reply, Nona

this is also a letter prepared for the test, not a real one, hehe,

by "specific items worth caution" i wanted to mean some safety related things, such as fire protection or something, is it ok?

besides, by "preferential activities" what do you think i mean, actually i wanted to mean the situation similar to the discount: for example, McDonalds offten motivate people to come to eat by presenting some children toys after you buy there a suit of meal. so this is another kind of discount but not usual discount. so what is the proper or popular expression in english? can it be called "sales promotion"?

Thanks
Chengwei Liu

Leolyy · Answer

by the way, the sentence "Any related response would be appreciated." is removed. do you think it is not proper or not that ok? i mean is this a kind of expression in regular english letter?

thanks

Chengwei Liu

Nona the brit · Answer

Any related response would be appreciated. No - this isn't a standard expression in English letters. It sounds as if you are expecting them to be silly enough to send an unrelated response?

My suggested phrasing is very standard and polite.

Also I wondered if there are any discounts or special offers available. (some preferential activities - this phrase doesn't give the meaning you think. You've already used activities to mean your own use of the park. Preferential means 'special, priviledged, favoured'. So I thought you were perhaps asking if there were any type of activities they give priority to for use of the park. For example, they like having football matches but don't like having picnics held there).

further information including health and safety requirements.

Leolyy · Answer

thanks for the reply, nona

i've to say i wanted to mean that the relevant response is best, while the not so relevant but related one is also welcome. so, i think my sentence is kind of misleading, hehe, and your suggestion has eliminated it.

besides, "some specific items worth caution" is acutally more like a chinglish way, and i wonder if it is ok in english to say "sth worth caution" in some occasions

Nona the brit · Answer

No, 'something worth caution' is not standard English.

Leolyy · Answer

well, i made that sentence according to what i've read of: "something worth consideration", so neither of them are standard? if so, can i say "something worth cautioning/noticing"? or something similar?

Chengwei Liu

another letter welcome corrected

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions