Another letter of motivation

Question

As you probably see, this letter of motivation is highly inspired by others who have posted messages on this forum. Nonetheless I would put on my happy face if somebody could give me some comments on this:

_____________________________________________________________

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree program in Development Studies at the University of ***.

I have achieved a Bachelor’s Degree in Development Studies from YYY, Norway, in December 2003. My degree focuses on ….. A compulsory part of the degree is a field study to a country in the South. I was in Egypt during my field study. My degree also consists of the subjects Norwegian and International Politics and Contemporary History at ZZZ, Norway. After completing the Bachelor’s Degree I have taken some minor courses at university level, i.e. Africa: Nature, Culture and Society and History of the Middle East and North Africa.

My interest for development issues increased when I was 17 years old and became an active member of a political youth organisation. Political work was a process of increasing awareness about the society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organisation, I got the chance to meet other politicians from all over the world sharing the same values as me. I was finally convinced to drop my plans about attending to the Department of Chemical Engineering, and began to study political science, and later development studies, instead.

Development studies is interesting because our times biggest challenge is the profound development and environmental crisis. The maldistribution of power and resources on a global level affects all societies and provoked my strong interest for the discipline. I am interested in studying a variation of developing models and alternative strategies for addressing the problems.

During my last to semesters at YYY, I particularly worked with issues attached with debt and structural adjustment, focusing on economic reform and structural adjustment in Egypt’s agricultural sector plus the HIPC-initiative. I found it surprisingly interesting to go deeper into the consequences and results of the conditions attached to promises of new loans and debt relief.

Having completed my Bachelor’s Degree, I want to study Development Studies at a post-graduate level. As the *** say on their internet site ‘One of the advantages for international students to study in *** and South Africa is that by studying development in a reputable institution in a developing country and region one gains, not only academic knowledge, but first hand experience of development problems on one's doorstep.’ I find it important to be equipped with the right theoretical tools, but nonetheless it is decisive to get experience from a society that faces both a great degree of poverty and inequality.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerly,

BLW

MountainHiker · Accepted Answer

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree program in Development Studies at the University of ***.

I have achieved a Bachelor’s Degree in Development Studies from YYY, Norway, in December 2003. My degree focuses on ….. A compulsory part of the degree is a field study to a country in the South. I was in Egypt during my field study. My degree also consists of the subjects Norwegian and International Politics and Contemporary History at ZZZ, Norway. After completing the Bachelor’s Degree I have taken some minor courses at university level, i.e. Africa: Nature, Culture and Society and History of the Middle East and North Africa. [this paragraph seems a bit disorganized to me. You've got studies, degrees, some partial grad courses?, travel, what you degree focuses on.....I am not sure what your main point is. You need to tighten this up.]

My interest for development issues increased [from what? to what?] when I was 17 years old and became an active member of a political youth organisation. Political work was a process of increasing awareness about the society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organisation, I got the chance to meet other politicians from all over the world sharing the same values as me. I was finally convinced [by whom?....why didn't you have your own ambition to chase your dreams?] to drop my plans about attending to the Department of Chemical Engineering, and began to study political science, and later development studies, instead. [awkward sentence. I think you want to be viewed as the captian of your own destination, as opposed to having been convinced by someone....that seems to indicate to me that you lack conviction.]

Development studies is interesting because our times biggest challenge is the profound development and environmental crisis. The maldistribution of power and resources on a global level affects all societies and provoked my strong interest for the discipline. I am interested in studying a variation of developing models and alternative strategies for addressing the problems. [See, here is where you begin to show some passion and interest. This is what the reader is dying to learn more about. Why not this as your intro to why you chased your dreams? This stuff is what the reader really wants to know about. This is YOU.]

During my last to semesters at YYY, I particularly worked with issues attached with debt and structural adjustment, focusing on economic reform and structural adjustment in Egypt’s agricultural sector plus the HIPC-initiative. I found it surprisingly interesting to go deeper into the consequences and results of the conditions attached to promises of new loans and debt relief. [Yeah, this is okay, but nitty gritty stuff. If you can weave it into your prior paragraph, then you got something magic. Here are the overall themes of what motivates. And more specifically, look at this: blah blah blah. Now you've got them hooked.]

Having completed my Bachelor’s Degree, I want to study Development Studies at a post-graduate level. As the *** say on their internet site ‘One of the advantages for international students to study in *** and South Africa is that by studying development in a reputable institution in a developing country and region one gains, not only academic knowledge, but first hand experience of development problems on one's doorstep.’ I find it important to be equipped with the right theoretical tools, but nonetheless it is decisive to get experience from a society that faces both a great degree of poverty and inequality.

[Maybe it is just me, but I hate platitudes in letters. I find it unimaginative. I always wonder if the person behind those comments is real, or is just feeding me a line. I think you will have stronger material once you rework your essay. Also, I dislike "from a society that faces both a great degree of poverty and inequality." I hate doom and gloom. Why not put that in a positive frame? "I want to study in a country that faces tremendous challenges in terms of poverty and inequality but also has the internal determination to redress those imbalances to create a better and more just society." It is very late where I am now, so my mind is not as clear as it ought to be, so I would not use my sentence. It was something that my tiny brain spewed forth. But it gives you an idea where we acknowledge the present challenges but we are driven to change the economic and power landscapes for the better.]

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerly,

I think you have the start of a good letter. You need to tighten your focus and discuss YOU more. Show us your passion and interest level. And show us that you are an optimist who is driven to find creative solution to complex problems to enhance the surroundings.

I look forward to seeing your next iteration.

MountainHiker

Bjornlodve · Answer

Thank you for your comments. As you see, I have followed some of them, and not others. Here is my new letter:

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree program in Development Studies at the University of ***.

I have achieved a Bachelor’s Degree in Development Studies from YYY, Norway, in December 2003. A compulsory part of the degree is a field study to a country in the South. I was in Egypt during my field study. During my last two semesters at YYY, I particularly worked with issues attached with debt and structural adjustment, focusing on economic reform and structural adjustment in Egypt’s agricultural sector plus the HIPC-initiative. I found it surprisingly interesting to go deeper into the consequences and results of the conditions attached to promises of new loans and debt relief. My Bachelor’s degree consists of the subjects Norwegian and International Politics (foundation level), Contemporary History (foundation level) and Development Studies (foundation and intermediate level). After completing the Bachelor’s Degree I have taken some minor courses at university level, i.e. Africa: Nature, Culture and Society.

Development studies is interesting because our times biggest challenge is the profound development and environmental crisis. The maldistribution of power and resources on a global level affects all societies and provoked my strong interest for the discipline. I am interested in studying a variation of developing models and alternative strategies for addressing the problems.

My interest for development issues increased when I was 17 years old and became an active member of a political youth organisation, and became more conscious about the challenges and problems we face. Political work was a process of increasing awareness about the society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organisation, I got the chance to meet other politicians from all over the world sharing the same values as me. I was inspired to drop my initial plan about attending to the Department of Chemical Engineering, and began to study political science, and later development studies, instead.

Having completed my Bachelor’s Degree, I want to study Development Studies at a post-graduate level. I find it important to be equipped with the right theoretical tools, but nonetheless it is decisive to get experience from a society that faces tremendous challenges in terms of poverty and inequality, and through history has shown the will to create progressive solutions. This is creating an exciting environment to gain both knowledge and inspiration.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerly,

BLW

MountainHiker · Answer

Hi,

As you see, I have followed some of them, and not others.

Actually, not I can’t see because I can’t be bothered to compare your specific iterations when you have taken some but not all. It would be helpful to know where you chose a different path and why.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to apply for the Master’s Degree program in Development Studies at the University of ***.

I have achieved a Bachelor’s Degree in Development Studies from YYY, Norway, in December 2003. A compulsory part of the degree is [to complete] a field study [in a] South[ern] country. [Since most countries are south of Norway, do you mean south of Norway or South of the equator??] I [chose] Egypt [for] my field study [because why??]. During my last two semesters at YYY, I particularly[? As opposed to?] worked with issues attached with debt and structural adjustment, focusing on economic reform and structural adjustment in Egypt’s agricultural sector plus the HIPC-initiative[and what is that?]. I found it surprisingly interesting to go deeper into the consequences and results of the conditions attached to promises of new loans and debt relief.[awkward] My Bachelor’s degree consists of the subjects Norwegian and International Politics (foundation level), Contemporary History (foundation level) and Development Studies (foundation and intermediate level). After completing the Bachelor’s Degree I have taken some minor courses at university level, i.e. Africa: Nature, Culture and Society.

[Your opening paragraph is poor. You start by saying you graduated. Then you talk about a field trip. And then you tell me what degrees you took with some stuff in brackets, which is poor form. And then you talk about “some minor stuff” which I have NO IDEA what that means and it only serves to confuse the issue. And finally, you use “i.e.” which you should never use in a formal letter. If your minor stuff is undergraduate courses about Africa, nature (note, no capital), culture, and society, then say so. And more importantly say WHY.]

Development studies is interesting because our times biggest challenge is the profound development and environmental crisis.[awkward sentence] The maldistribution of power and resources on a global level affects all societies and provoked my strong interest for the discipline. I am interested in studying a variation of developing models and alternative strategies for addressing the problems.

My interest for development issues increased when I was 17 years old and became an active member of a political youth organisation, and became more conscious about the challenges and problems we face. Political work was a process of increasing awareness about the society – at both the local and the global level. Through the organisation, I got the chance to meet other politicians from all over the world sharing the same values as me. I was inspired to [change my] initial plan [for][attending] the Department of Chemical Engineering, and began to study political science and later development studies. [These two most recent paragraphs are confusing.]

Having completed my Bachelor’s Degree, I want to study Development Studies at a post-graduate level. I find it important to be equipped with the right theoretical tools, but nonetheless it is decisive to get experience from a society that faces tremendous challenges in terms of poverty and inequality, and through history has shown the will to create progressive solutions.[awkward] This is creating an exciting environment to gain both knowledge and inspiration.

Thank you very much for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.

Yours sincerely[spelling error],

BLW

MountainHiker

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