Another composition to correct, please

Question

Hi all! I have to write a composition which is titled: "Your boss is retiring and you have been asked to collect money for a present. What do you say to your colleagues in the office?

This is the composition:

Dear Colleagues,

I am writing to inform you about what I would like to do about Mr. Steed's retirement.

You all know Mr. Steed is retiring next month at the age of 63 after nearly 35 years working with the Coca Cola Company, so he will be able to dedicate more time to his family and enjoy his life .

I think it would be great if we give him a present to express our sorries about he's retiring. The present could be a watch, a pen or a pair of cuff links or anything you think and tell me about.

In order to give him a present we would have to collect some money. Since we are 25 people in the office, we would have to give from €5 to €10 according to the present we will buy him.

Many of you won't want to give him a present because you may have had an argument with him or so, but remember, he is the one who helped you and offered you the job you have. This proposal is not obligatory, that's for sure, but I do think it is a good way to say goodbye to Mr. Steed.

I hope you contribute so we make a good impression to him.

Yours Faithfully,

[MY NAME]

Thanks in advance

Ant_222 · Accepted Answer

1. Omit the fist sentence because it's repeated in the following paragraph.

2. You all know Mr. Steed is retiring next month (removing: at the age of 63) after nearly 35 years _of_ working with the Coca Cola Company. (Omitting the next sentence — save it for the toast...)

3. I think it would be great (renoving: if we) to_ give him a present to express our sorries about _his_ _retirement.

4. It could be a watch, a pen _,_ a pair of cuff links or anything we_ _come up with.

5. We'll have to collect some money... I think 5 or 10 EURO would be a great contribution. (I don't like it myself...)

6. Many of you won't want to give him a present because you may have had an argument with him or so, but remember, he is the one who helped you and offered you the job you have.

I don't think it is nice to remind of such things. Though you may wait for other's opinions.

7. This proposal is not obligatory, that's for sure, but I do think it is a good way to say goodbye to Mr. Steed.

(Saying this in so explicit a way may not be very polite as well. You better try to "imly" somehow: "So you can contribute 5 or 10 EURO if you wish" for example)

P.S.: I treated is as a real-life letter, only thereafter I read it is just a homework composition. Well, it the latter case I may have cut it too short...

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Conciseness is a sister of Talent (C)

Clive · Answer

Hi,

Here are a few overall comments. Please consider them, and perhaps revise what you have written, then post again. You have other problems that we can then discuss.

Clive

I have to write a composition which is titled: "Your boss is retiring and you have been asked to collect money for a present. What do you say to your colleagues in the office? It seems to me that you have been asked to write about what you would say when speaking directly to your colleagues. Is that right? What you would say and what you would write are not the same thing.

This is the composition:

Dear Colleagues,

I am writing to inform you about what I would like to do about Mr. Steed's retirement. This sounds like it's your idea, but it's not. You were asked by the boss, so it's his idea. Say, eg Mr. Smith would like to know if you want to contribute to a retirement gift for Mr. Steed.

In my culture, the boss would normally leave such social matters up to his employees. If he didn't, some people would think he was trying to force them to contribute, because poeple don't like to say 'No' to the boss.

You all know Mr. Steed is retiring next month at the age of 63 after nearly 35 years working with the Coca Cola Company, so he will be able to dedicate more time to his family and enjoy his life .

I think it would be great if we give him a present to express our sorries about he's retiring. The present could be a watch, a pen or a pair of cuff links or anything you think and tell me about.

In order to give him a present we would have to collect some money. Since we are 25 people in the office, we would have to give from €5 to €10 according to the present we will buy him.

Many of you won't want to give him a present<<< You can't say something like this. It's negative and unpleasant. You need to be positive. because you may have had an argument with him or so, but remember, he is the one who helped you and offered you the job you have. This proposal is not obligatory, that's for sure, but I do think it is a good way to say goodbye to Mr. Steed.

I hope you contribute so we make a good impression to him.

Yours Faithfully, Don't say 'Yours faithfully' to colleagues, say 'Yours sincerely', or just say 'Regards'.

[MY NAME]

Emib · Answer

Thank you very much. I'll work hard on it.

Another composition to correct, please

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