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Question

Now that I'm finished the initial writing of my paper, I'm picking at the mechanic's of it.
The following sentence is what I'm stuck on, maybe its just the wording, or is it grammtically incorrect?

During the poem there are examples of the concept of a hero: loyalty, devotion, fortitude, the wandering hero, or a figure that is larger than life, the Greek ideal of a strong mind and body.

The listing seems off.
I'm not sure if I needed a : or not,
and I feel the need to insert an and before "the Greek ideal of a strong mind and body."
But is that to many ands?

Also, "...the wandering hero...", my entire paper has to be in present tense.
Is this part not present tense?

Any suggestions/help would be amazinggg.

Thank you!

Clive · Accepted Answer

Hi,
Now that I'm finished the initial writing of my paper, I'm picking at the mechanic's of it.
The following sentence is what I'm stuck on, maybe its just the wording, or is it grammtically incorrect?

During the poem there are examples of the concept of a hero: loyalty, devotion, fortitude, the wandering hero, or a figure that is larger than life, the Greek ideal of a strong mind and body.

Let me offer a few broader comments.

I don't like the beginning of the sentence much. How about, This poem offers examples of . . . ?

I find the phrase 'a concept of a hero' hard to grasp. can you express your meaning in another way?

Your list is too mixed. It includes attributes ( loyalty/devotion/fortitude) as well what you might call 'images' hero / figure ). Perhaps you should deal with these different types of things separately, rather than in one list?

Generally speaking, long lists are not a good way to write an essay.

The listing seems off.
I'm not sure if I needed a : or not,
and I feel the need to insert an and before "the Greek ideal of a strong mind and body."
But is that to many ands?

Also, "...the wandering hero...", my entire paper has to be in present tense.
Is this part not present tense? No, it's just an adjective.

Any suggestions/help would be amazinggg.

Best wishes, Clive

Dysphoria_ · Answer

I re-wrote it, and perhaps this is better...

This poem offers instances of the "Concept of a Hero" which involves the Greek ideal of a strong mind and body as the wandering hero, or a figure that is larger than life. "Truly, these words has the Lord of wisdom set in your heart, for I never have hearkend to speech so sage from a man so young. You have strength, and prudence, and wisdom of word" (1269-1272). Hrothgar spoke these words to Beowulf confirming his Pagan attribrutes. Further intergrating loyalty, devotion, and fortitude. Moreover, establishing a long Anglo-Saxon epithet known as comitatus, or brotherhood and faith in each other, "Their proud gold-giver departed home. But the Geats sat grieving and sick in spirit, stared at the water with longing eyes, having no hope they would ever behold their gracious leader and lord again" (1081-1085). While Hrothgar left the comitatus between Beowulf and his thanes reside.

I'm quite proud of this actually^.^;
Although I'm worried about sounding pretentious...
afterall - this is only a highschool paper.

Thanks Clive for your insight<3.

Any suggestions to improve?

(My version of Beowulf was translated by Charles Kennedy.
And my paper is to be wrote in MLA format.)

Clive · Answer

Hi,
I re-wrote it, and perhaps this is better.....

I've suggested quite a few edits, so please read carefully.

This poem offers instances of the "Concept of a Hero", which involves the Greek ideal of a wanderer with a strong mind and body, or a figure that is larger than life. "Truly, these words has the Lord of wisdom set in your heart, for I never have hearkend to speech so sage from a man so young. You have strength, and prudence, and wisdom of word" (1269-1272). Hrothgar spoke these words to Beowulf, confirming his pagan attributes. Further integrating loyalty, devotion, and fortitude. <<< you need a verb in this sentence Moreover, establishing a long Anglo-Saxon epithet known as comitatus, or brotherhood and faith in each other, <<<< Make your meaning clearer in a complete sentence followed by a period. ie explain why you are giving this long quotation Then give your long quotation. >>>> then "Their proud gold-giver departed home. But the Geats sat grieving and sick in spirit, stared at the water with longing eyes, having no hope they would ever behold their gracious leader and lord again" (1081-1085). While Hrothgar left the comitatus between Beowulf and his thanes reside. << I don't understand this last sentence. It seems to be just a subordinate clause, introducedby 'while'.

'Epithet' is an adjective/descriptive expression. Is this the right word to use here?

Comitatus - can you explain more clearly how this relates to the 'concept of a hero'?

I'm quite proud of this actually^.^; Yes, I can see you are very thoughtful, but I like the first part better than the later part.

Although I'm worried about sounding pretentious...
afterall - this is only a highschool paper.

Thanks Clive for your insight<3.

Any suggestions to improve?

(My version of Beowulf was translated by Charles Kennedy.
And my paper is to be wrote in MLA format.) I'm not familiar with this format. I assume that you are.

Clive

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