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Mr. Tom Posted 9 years ago
Vocabulary

An unpleasant surprise

Hi

Could you please tell me if these lines are completely natural? Is the register OK?

The morning of Wednesday, March 29, 1997 brought an unpleasant surprise. What had never happened in the 10-year-old history of the GR Studios happened and especially when we least expected it. Upon reaching the Studios at around 9 am, we realized that a theft had taken place during the night and a number of valuable items were missing, some of the ceiling fans included.

Thanks,

Tom

  

Top answer

The grammar is fine, Tom, but it seems rather stilted and lumpy for the topic. What does '10-year-old history' have to do with the event? —in fact, does the reader need to be told that a robbery is a misfortune?

— Mister Micawber

  • The grammar is fine, Tom, but it seems rather stilted and lumpy for the topic.
  • What does '10-year-old history' have to do with the event?
  • —in fact, does the reader need to be told that a robbery is a misfortune?
  • And when do we 'expect' a crime at all?
  • I'd pare it down to about half the word count.
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2 Answers
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The grammar is fine, Tom, but it seems rather stilted and lumpy for the topic. What does '10-year-old history' have to do with the event? Would you consider a robbery just an 'unpleasant surprise'?—in fact, does the reader need to be told that a robbery is a misfortune? And when do we 'expect' a crime at all? I'd pare it down to about half the word count.

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Thanks, MM. Your post was almost a full lesson. Do you find it better now?

The morning of Wednesday, March 29, 1997 brought bad news. Upon reaching the GR Studios at around 9 am, we realized that a theft had taken place during the night (first time since its establishment ten years before) and a number of valuable items were missing, some of the ceiling fans included.

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