An IELTS Writing Task 1. Please help me

Question

The table compares the proportion of people riding bikes in different age brackets in the year 2011.

Overall, it is clear that girls under 9 years old were those who rode bikes the most. By contrast, riding bikes attracted the least men in the 40-59 age range.

Looking at the three eldest age ranges, it can be seen that fewer people were keen on using bikes in comparison to the two youngest age groups. It is noticeable that 18.5 percent of females aged over 60 still rode a bike while only 17.1% in the 18-39 age group and 12.3% of 40-59 year old counterparts did so. The figures of men in these age group were even lower than those of female counterparts, with only 8% and 13.2% of men who were at 40-59 and over 60 respectively.

Thank you very much for your time.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You wrote less than the minimum number of words. You will lose points.
Also, a lot of words are not about the information, in particular, these phrases:

it is clear that
it is noticeable that
it can be seen that
Looking at

The examiner is looking for your observations on the information. Avoid writing phrases that are "filler words."

The table compares the proportion of people riding bikes in different age brackets in the year 2011. (How many age brackets? What were the age ranges? You did not mention males and females.)

Overall, ~~it is clear that~~ (Those words do not describe the information. Delete them.) girls (You did not tell the reader about girls and boys.) under 9 years old was the group with the highest percentage. ~~were those who rode bikes the most.~~ By contrast, riding bikes attracted the least men in the 40-59 age range.

Looking at the three oldest ~~eldest~~ age ranges, (What age ranges are these?) it can be seen that a lower proportion ~~fewer~~ people were keen on using (wrong word.) bikes in comparison to the two youngest age groups. ~~It is noticeable~~ (Repetitive use of phrases that do not describe the data.) that 18.5 percent of females aged over 60 ~~still~~ rode a bike while only 17.1% in the 18-39 age group and 12.3% of 40-59 year old counterparts (wrong usage. A counterpart to women would be men in the same age range) did so. The ~~figures~~ proportions of men in these age group were even lower than those of their female counterparts, with only 8% and 13.2% of men who were at 40-59 and over 60 respectively.

Looking at the three eldest age ranges, it can be seen that fewer people were keen on using bikes in comparison to the two youngest age groups. It is noticeable that 18.5 percent of females aged over 60 still rode a bike while only 17.1% in the 18-39 age group and 12.3% of 40-59 year old counterparts did so. The figures of men in these age group were even lower than those of female counterparts, with only 8% and 13.2% of men who were at 40-59 and over 60 respectively.

Here are some examples for your study.

Example opening paragraph. This describes the table completely, and gives names to the age groups. If you do this, it will greatly assist in the body paragraphs.

The table lists the percentages of people who rode bicycles in 2011 in one particular town. It is broken down by gender and age group. There are five age groups, two for children and three for adults, specifically, young children aged 0-9, older children and teenagers aged 10-17, young adults aged 19-39, middle-aged adults aged 49-59, and older adults, the seniors over 60.

Example essay with a slightly modified opening paragraph:

The table compares the proportion of people who rode bicycles in 2011 in one particular town. The table has two columns: males and females. There are five rows, for the age groups. Two of them are for children and three for adults, specifically, young children aged 0-9, older children and teenagers aged 10-17, young adults aged 19-39, middle-aged adults aged 49-59, and older adults, seniors, over 60.

Overall, the data for girls and women was higher than that of their counterparts in all age groups. The percentages for the children (under age 18) were higher than those for the adults. About half of the children under age 10 in the town, both boys and girls, rode bicycles.

In detail, the age group of older children (10-17) had the greatest difference between the male and female cyclists; about 42% of the women cycled compared to 25% of the men. That was nearly a 2:1 ratio. The difference was nearly the same for young adults (age 18-39), where the percentage for men (9.7%) was about 0.6 or 60% that of women (17.1%). The age group with the smallest proportion of cyclists was the older adults (40-59). Even the seniors had higher values (12.3% and 18.5% for women and 8.0% and 13.2% for men, respectively.) The smallest percentages in the table were for adult males, where less than one in every ten men between the ages of 18 and 59 rode a bicycle.

An IELTS Writing Task 1. Please help me

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