An essay on the influence of parents and classmates on a child's success in school

Hello,

I wrote a TOEFL essay on whether classmates influence a child's

success in school more than his or her parents do. I'll be obliged

if you take a look and point out some mistakes.

Topic:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child’s success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Essay:

Both classmates and parents have an impact on a child's success in school. Some people believe that the influence of classmates is more important. I, however, believe that parents are the most important influence on a child's success in school. A child's intellect depends on the intellect of his or her parents. Also, parents discipline their child. Additionally, a child's success depends on his or her parent's wealthiness.
First of all, a child's intellectual abilities significantly depend on genes. There are several theories which argue whether the level of a child's intelect chiefly depends on how smart are his or her parents or it mainly depends on the environment in which a child is raised. Despite the fact that this question is still open, the statistics shows the evident correlation between the intellect of a child and the intellect of his or her parents. Needless to say, a high level of intellect is an extremely important factor that defines a child's success in school.
Secondly, success in school highly depends on the discipline on a child. Even if taught by a high-skilled teacher, a non-diligent student will not achieve much success in school. Thus, discipline, which is fostered by parents but not by classmates, is extremely important for a child to be a successful student.
Finally, a child's success in school depends on the wealthiness of his or her parents. Big money usually provide more studying opportunities. For instance, it is would be beneficial to take additional courses in the same subjects as ones taught in school. Also, having much money allows to buy expensive studying equipment, such as a powerful computer or a telescope. Thus, a student from a wealthy family has more chances to become successful in school than a student from a less wealthy family.
To summarize, a child's success in school depends more on his or her parents but not on classmates. If a child's parents possess a high level of intellect, then it is very likely that their child will also be smart and, thereby, successful in school. Also, a child's success in school highly depends on discipline fostered by parents. Additionally, wealthy parents can buy their children expensive study equipment and hire tutors, so children can get more training.

Thanks in advance.

--

Victor