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Offroad Posted 15 years ago
Grammar

An argument between friends

Dear teachers...

could you please proofread this text below?

Lisa: I want you to know that I can’t put up with that lady friend of yours, Barb, isn’t it?
Tom: Yes, her name’s Barbara. She can get a bit cocky and loquacious when she drinks. But we have to give her some extra, she’s been through some tough times since her fiancé, a meth-head, left her and the kids.
Lisa: I don’t give a damn, please, do me a favour, keep that tart away from me!
Tom: What? Watch your mouth, you don’t have many friends to start insulting them.
Lisa: You know what, I’m going to take off, now that I have been completely put out by you, this is no place for me anymore!
Tom: Yeah, you’d better leave… and put in mind that you have no say on who I should be friends with!
Thanks in advance
  

Top answer

This does not read as an argument between friends. It is too rude and confrontational. Your sentences are too long for the speakers to breathe.

— Mister Micawber

  • This does not read as an argument between friends.
  • It is too rude and confrontational.
  • Your sentences are too long for the speakers to breathe.
  • At least give them a few full stops: Lisa: I want you to know that I can't put up with that lady friend of yours – Barb, isn't it?
  • Tom: Yes, her name's Barbara.
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2 Answers
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This does not read as an argument between friends. It is too rude and confrontational. Your sentences are too long for the speakers to breathe. At least give them a few full stops:

Lisa: I want you to know that I can't put up with that lady friend of yours – Barb, isn't it?
Tom: Yes, her name's Barbara. She can get a bit cocky and loquacious when she drinks. But
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Yes, it does feel more like a fight than an argument.

Let me try to soften it:


Lisa: Tom, I'm sorry to say this but...I can't put up with that lady friend of yours - Barb, isn't it?
Tom: Barbara, yes. She can get a bit cocky and loquacious when she drinks. But we have to cut her some slack. She's been through some tough times since her fiancé, a met
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