Academic English - 'poor wordy' sentences

Not sure if this is the right thread; however, hope I'll find some help!

I've been asked to choose some "poorly worded" sentences from postgraduate theses and rewrite them, explaining why they are wrong (I'm not cheating ... it's not an assignment and I won't be marked!)

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Example no.1 and edited version:

'During a hundred years, 150 traders had been reduced to less than 10 with approximately 20,000 square feet of redundant space and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighting the site.'

According to SOURCE (YEAR), the number of traders decreased from 150 to less than 10 in a hundred years, from YEAR1 to YEAR2. As a consequence, a space of approximately 20,000 square feet was redundant and a further 25,000 square feet of unused cellars blighted the site.’


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Example no.2 and edited version:


'Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales has a similar population to Dartmoor of 26,000, it also attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year yet covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor.'


According to the (YEAR) Census, Snowdonia National Park, located in Wales, has a population of 26,000 inhabitants, similar to the Dartmoor National Park's one (also in Wales). Figures from (SOURCE1) show that it attracts around 6-10 million visitors a year; yet, it covers 823 square miles compared to only 386 square miles of Dartmoor (data from SOURCE2).



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Are the editings correct? I'm not sure particularly about the 'yet' in the second example.

Thank you very much in advance!