About - A slept over night

Question

Please give me some comments.Last night, I went over to Emily's house. My parents went out, so I went there to sleep overnight. We slept soundly. Suddenly, I was awakened by a sound. I was scared, so I woke up my friend too. I heard a sound coming from that door. We froze as we were afraid that the thief was coming in. The door creaked. No one was entering the house. We were scared. I saw a baseball bat. "That was good, I could use it now," I whispered. I sud down from my bed and took the baseball bat with me.I crept quietly in the door. Emily was still hiding under the blanket. She was scared. I opened the door carefully. Then, I peeked outside. "There is nothing outside" I said. We were surprised.Suddenly, we heard "Meow!" A cat sprang. We shrieked. We felt relieved. "oh, it was just a cat !" Emily said. After that, we went back to sleep. The next morning, Emily told her parents. Her parents laughed loudly. What an unforgetful night!

Dokterjokkebrok · Accepted Answer

Vincent TeoPlease give me some comments.

Last night, I went over to Emily's house. My parents went out, so I went there to sleep overnight. We slept soundly. Suddenly, I was awakened by a sound. I was scared, so I woke up my friend too. I heard a sound coming from that door. We froze as we were afraid that the thief was coming in.

The door creaked. No one was entering the house. We were scared. I saw a baseball bat. "That was good, I could use it now," I whispered. I sud down from my bed and took the baseball bat with me.

I crept quietly in the door. Emily was still hiding under the blanket. She was scared. I opened the door carefully. Then, I peeked outside. "There is nothing outside" I said. We were surprised.

Suddenly, we heard "Meow!" A cat sprang. We shrieked. We felt relieved. "oh, it was just a cat !" Emily said. After that, we went back to sleep. The next morning, Emily told her parents. Her parents laughed loudly. What an unforgetful night!

- in paragraph 1 you wrote I heard a sound coming from that door. What door do you mean? It seems slightly odd to use 'that'. I think you had better make it 'the'

- I think your overall writing style has a certain charm. I'm referring to your use
of relatively short sentences, which can give a certain effect, but, still, in my view, the effect only holds strong
as long as you don't use it all of the time.

For example, you could make, ''While Emily was still hiding under the blanket, I crept quietly in the door.'' Instead of two seperate sentences.

- Lastly, I think the use of the continuous form in No one was entering the house seems incorrect. I'm not entirely sure, but it seems as though 'entering a house' is an action that is too short to be described with a continuous form. Again, I'm not sure about this one.

But, despite all of that, very nicely written.

Regards

Jordy

Vincent Teo · Answer

THANKS, I hope some experts can give me more comments how do I correct them!!

Vincent Teo · Answer

Thanks, but I'm not very clear about it. Can you help me to cross out the incorrect one? Thanks!!

Gman2009 · Answer

Last night, I went over to Emily's house. My parents had gone out, so I went there to sleep overnight. We were sleeping soundly. Suddenly, I was awakened by a sound. I was scared, so I woke up my friend too. I heard a sound coming from outside the door. We froze as we were afraid that the thief was coming in.

The door creaked. No one was entering the house. We were scared. I saw a baseball bat. "That was good, I could use it now," I whispered. I slid down from my bed taking the baseball bat with me.

I crept quietly in the door. Emily was still hiding under the blanket. She was scared. I opened the door carefully. Then, I peeked outside. "There is nothing outside" I said. We were surprised.

Suddenly, we heard "Meow!" A cat sprang. We shrieked. We felt relieved. "Oh, it was just a cat !" Emily said. After that, we went back to sleep. The next morning, Emily told her parents. Her parents laughed loudly. What an unforgettable night!

A few changes I would make. I agree with the other poster that your use of short sentences is quite readable.

Note: at the end, we would use unforgettable to describe a memorable experience (such as occured in your story )

Grant

About - A slept over night

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