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Anita_a Posted 21 years ago
A Winter's Tale
In the middle of nowhere
With arms stretched out
I felt the first snow flake
Touch my hand
And pinch my skin
Cold breeze made me shiver
Like when the refrigerator is open
On a cold winter morning.
The vapor comes out
From the mouth and nostrils
As I breathe in and out
In and out, the air passes
And the warmth from inside
Does not warm me up either.
I close my eyes and feel the snow
I open my eyes and see the
White laden mountain all around.
Then I remember you standing tall
And all your love surrounding me.
And I feel the ice melting
And the distance between us closing in.
All I want now is to be with you
With your arms around me
Like the scarf around my neck
Protecting me from the cold.
From this middle of nowhere
In this dream filled winter,
Take me home today
To our abode of love
A place filled with warmth.
For if winter is here,
Spring is not far behind.
With arms stretched out
I felt the first snow flake
Touch my hand
And pinch my skin
Cold breeze made me shiver
Like when the refrigerator is open
On a cold winter morning.
The vapor comes out
From the mouth and nostrils
As I breathe in and out
In and out, the air passes
And the warmth from inside
Does not warm me up either.
I close my eyes and feel the snow
I open my eyes and see the
White laden mountain all around.
Then I remember you standing tall
And all your love surrounding me.
And I feel the ice melting
And the distance between us closing in.
All I want now is to be with you
With your arms around me
Like the scarf around my neck
Protecting me from the cold.
From this middle of nowhere
In this dream filled winter,
Take me home today
To our abode of love
A place filled with warmth.
For if winter is here,
Spring is not far behind.
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- Would appreciate it.
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10 Answers
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Hello Anita
Do you think the ending is quite right for the poem? It seems very similar to Shelley's West Wind.
MrP
Do you think the ending is quite right for the poem? It seems very similar to Shelley's West Wind.
MrP
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Thanks Beuno.
Thanks Mr.P . I know that those words are a direct take off from Shelley... But I didn't know what to use instead. It is that I wanted to compare bad times in love to winter and the good times to spring. Could you suggest something else?Do you think this poem would be good if put in stanzas?
Thanks Mr.P . I know that those words are a direct take off from Shelley... But I didn't know what to use instead. It is that I wanted to compare bad times in love to winter and the good times to spring. Could you suggest something else?Do you think this poem would be good if put in stanzas?
00
Do you think this change is good, Mr.P?
I felt the first snow flake
touch my hand.
Cold breeze made me shiver,
unlike the penguin
that leads its life in ice.
The vapor comes out
from the mouth and nostrils
as I breathe in and out.
The warm air from inside
does not warm me up either.
I close my eyes
I felt the first snow flake
touch my hand.
Cold breeze made me shiver,
unlike the penguin
that leads its life in ice.
The vapor comes out
from the mouth and nostrils
as I breathe in and out.
The warm air from inside
does not warm me up either.
I close my eyes
00
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Hello Anita
Just a couple of thoughts:
1. unlike the penguin/that leads its life in ice.] It's difficult to bring a penguin into poetry. Both the word and the creature have slightly comic associations. Do you need it, do you think?
2. The vapor comes out/from the mouth and nostrils/as I breathe in and out.] Do you need the 3rd line here? it seems already implicit.
Just a couple of thoughts:
1. unlike the penguin/that leads its life in ice.] It's difficult to bring a penguin into poetry. Both the word and the creature have slightly comic associations. Do you need it, do you think?
2. The vapor comes out/from the mouth and nostrils/as I breathe in and out.] Do you need the 3rd line here? it seems already implicit.
00
I seem to be obsessed with this poem. Here is another revision of it...
As I feel the first snow flake
touch my hand, it pinches my skin.
Cold breeze makes me shiver,
as an old man without a stick.
The vapor comes out
from the mouth and nostrils
like the air from a ballon when deflated.
The warm air from inside
does n
As I feel the first snow flake
touch my hand, it pinches my skin.
Cold breeze makes me shiver,
as an old man without a stick.
The vapor comes out
from the mouth and nostrils
like the air from a ballon when deflated.
The warm air from inside
does n
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Hi anita,
The new and improved poem is beautiful. Really. I like it alot...it's somehow...smooth. A smooth poem. Can you even say that? Oh well, the poem is gorgeous.
The new and improved poem is beautiful. Really. I like it alot...it's somehow...smooth. A smooth poem. Can you even say that? Oh well, the poem is gorgeous.
00
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