A simple text- please someone give a feedback . thanks

Question

Please provide details of any additional vocation or extra-curricular achievements, which you feel may assist us in placing you in employment :

- During the year of 1998 , I was in Australia and Indonesia different countries with distinct cultures where I attend an exchange program in order to obtain fluency in the English Language, whose goal I was successful, being ready to find new challenges in my professional life. I also appreciate teaching English for executives in companies in order to keep update with the language.

- I enjoy training people and studying as well. Currently ,I am studying Spanish due to the fact that I live in Latin America (Brazil). I have been working with marketing and sales for almost five years in different areas (real state, retail market, education and hospitality).

Terryxpress · Accepted Answer

Firstly, the writer of the request for information has made a grammatical error:
Please provide details of any additional vocation or extra-curricular achievements(, which-OMIT) that you feel may assist us in placing you in employment :

Review: when to use 'that' and when to use 'which'
Crikey! I know Latins are hot blooded, but long-winded as well? Read that first sentence! Anyone with asthma reading it aloud would be gasping for breath half way through!

- During the year of(OMIT) In 1998 , I was in(OMIT -very bland, matter-of-fact ,boring) I visited/ I spent several months in Australia and Indonesia,

different countries with distinct cultures: two countries and two cultures very different to my own.

where I attend an exchange program:as part of an exchange program,

(in orderOMIT) to develop fluency in English.

whose goal I was successful, being ready to find new challenges in my professional life: I think you mean that you did develop fluency, but how does that relate to the next clause?

I also enjoy teaching English to company executives in order to keep update with the language. : I really wouldn't admit, that to keep your English fresh, you teach it - makes you sound (1) a charlatan, (2) as if you wouldn't use it/be exposed to it otherwise.

I think the last two sentences need rethinking and beefing up to make them more impressive.

You are over-using 'in order to' in your writing.

- I enjoy training people and studying as well.: What do you train them in?

Currently ,I am studying Spanish whilst I am living in Latin America (Brazil).

I have been working with marketing and sales for almost five years in different areas (real state, retail market, education and hospitality). : Do you do this in Brazil? Where did you do this?

A simple text- please someone give a feedback . thanks

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