A Short Story????

Question

Hi everybody! I need your opinions on a part of my short story. Well there are many things that should be cleared before reading this part. Starting with Lesius Kingdom which is not like ordinary ones, but it differs in consisting of only 24 houses, and in each house only one person lives. In this kingdom people count their lives with a number on the top of their houses which represents not the days left in their lives, but the chances they have. the one that gives these chances is god. Thank you in advance

((In Lesius kingdom, Im known as Maddy. But my real name is Zinus. My neighbours consider everything that is beyond their normal zone as madness, and that explain the choice of my nickname. I spent nearly all my chances fancying of another world where the solitary life is replaced with a social one. Where I can live and laugh with many people whom I know or I have been raised with. That concept I named"family". The thing that is also special about that world is having two persons, a male and female, whom you see as the cause of your existence; I called these persons"parents".'Wake up you little Maddy' said one of neighbours who was passing by. 'It awlays needs that kind of shout to vanish my dreams,and to turn me back to the boisterous life.'said Zinus.With the rising sun, many thoughts have invaded Zinus'mind."with the lightening stars, I will be gone, and somebody else will be in shoes. I blew off all my candles trying to change people's view towards me, and to better myself, but over all I failled!' Said Zinus. The next day ' where am I? am I dead?but I'm hearing sounds of bees! Aie! it bited me!' the next thing Zinus realized is the added chance on his house.))

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

This is good, quite imaginative. I'm not clear about what you mean by "chances," but I've rewritten the excerpt correcting the grammar and syntax, as I understand it.

In the Lesius Kingdom I'm known as Maddix [I've changed the name because in English Maddy is a female name]. My real name is Zinus. My neighbors consider everything beyond their normal zone as madness, thus my nickname. I've spent nearly all of my chances fancying another world, where the solitary life here is replaced with a social one. Where I can live and laugh with many people, whom I know, or have been raised with, which is a concept I've named "family." A special thing in my fancied world is having two persons, male and female, whom you know are the cause of your existence - I've given these people the name, "parents."

"Wake up, you little Maddix," said one of the neighbors who was passing by. That's just what I need to snap me out of my daydreams and put me back into reality, in Lesius.

As the rising sun obliterates the evening stars, disturbing thoughts enter my mind. I'm doomed, and someone else will soon be in my shoes. I've used up all of my chances trying to change people's views toward me, and to better myself, but it's all been for nothing. Tomorrow where will I be? Dead most likely.

I hear bees. Ouch, one stung me! But what's this? A chance has been added to the number on my house! Maybe it hasn't all been for nothing.

Kunsusuki · Answer

Oh!Thank you so much for your opinion, for sure it's an effective one

But I have a question concerning the tense in this clause; why have you used the present rather than the past?

Anonymous disturbing thoughts enter my mind.

Kunsusuki · Answer

This is another part of the story, and I really need your opinions about it!
The things that should also be cleared are:Firstable, Im writting about each person in each house, and about the added chance it came from a women called Cynthis.Thank you in advance.

'Abracadabra...shoden...risus...ASTERINADUS!'These are some of the words you usually catch when passing by Luthius' house, a twenty years old girl stuck in a ten years old body girl. It happened not long ago when she was trying to curse her beautiful neighbor Weafious whom she was jealous. However,because she misspelled the magic formula, she had turned to be what she is now. Her surroundings often misstrust her because she always miss her chances. But this time they were wrong because she knew about the matter of cynthis and her expectations were bigger than having just one chance!

'People suffer from being hideous, yet worst,I suffer from being beautiful'said weafious while seing her sharp face echoed on its golden mirror. 'I'm confused; I do not know whom to trust, people are kind to me for the simple reason:I'm beautiful!''They buy luxurious possessions just to please me!'uttered weafious. Moments after,she started feeling that her legs were getting shorter, and by looking at the mirror she was startled by the wrinkles that have blown her sharp face. She knew that her time had come.'But I'm still left with chances how could that happen?" she said. From out of the sudden, a brightening light dazzeled her, and a silhouette girl appeared.'Hullo old lady! what an apt face you have!' the girl said.' I knew you were behind this; it's you,Luthinus,isn't it?' said weafious.'Of course I am, you didn't think that I was going to let you enjoying all this comfort alone! what was the word "share" created for? Besides having a beautiful face and a considerable number of chances, and the worst another one added is not fair honey! muahaha...' said weafinous. Soon her evil laugh was interrupted by a serious change, like the previous time, Luthinus misspelled the formula, thus she died leaving her chances to Weafinous.

'Shut the door!!' said one of the neighbors.
Because of a mistake done by the first inhabitant in this house, I'm condemned to stay home forever.I don't think people needs to know my name because that would increase thesuffering. I spent all of my chances doing nothing just imagining how the external world is?Regretting the moment when I was born. It's a hard time to be stuck with a picture you're not the drawer.But fortunately, tomorrow is the last chance, and I'll be free.
'what! who have added another chance? I thought I was off of chances?!' said he the next day.

Anonymous · Answer

"Disturbing thoughts enter my mind" is in the present tense because Zinus is narrating in what for him is the present time.  Narration is, by definition, in past time, so you could write everything in the past tense, "...disturbing thoughts entered my mind...etc.", but often, having the narrator narrate, speaking in his present time, is more effective.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm still not clear on what "chances" are - or are they supposed to be mysterious and unfathomable, as an inherent part of the story? - but I've corrected the grammar and syntax in this second excerpt, as best as I can.

"Abracadabra...shoden...risus...ASTERINADUS!" These are some of the words you usually catch when passing by Luthius' house. Luthius is a twenty-year-old woman stuck in a ten-year-old girl's body. This happened not long ago when she was trying to curse her beautiful neighbor, Weafious, whom she was jealous of. But she misspelled the magic formula, and the result is what she is now. Her neighbors often mistrusted Luthius because she was always missing her chances. But they were wrong about her this time, because she knew about Cynthis, and she was willing to lose one chance, in order to achieve what she was attempting to do to Weafious.

"People suffer from being hideous, but what's worse, I suffer from being beautiful," said Weafious, while examining her sharp-featured face in a golden mirror. "I'm confused. I don't know whom to trust. People are kind to me, and buy me luxurious presents, only because I'm beautiful." Suddenly she felt her her legs getting shorter, and looking in the mirror she saw wrinkles taking it over. Her time must be up. "But I still have chances left. How could this be happening?" she said.

A bright light suddenly dazzled Weafious, and she saw a silhouette of a young girl in the light. "Hullo, old lady! That's a face that becomes you more!" the silhouette said.

"I knew you were behind this. It's you Luthius, isn't it?" said Weafious.

"Of course it's me. You didn't think I was going to let you enjoy all this beauty and comfort alone, did you? Never heard of the word 'share'? For one person to have all that beauty, and numerous chances, and another chance just added too, is just not fair. Muahhaha." But suddenly Luthius' evil cackle was interrupted, and she collapsed. Just like the last time tried to cast a spell on Weafious, she had misspelled the curse formula, and this time the mistake resulted in her death. Her chances then passed to Weafious by default.

At a neighboring house was heard a shout: "Shut the door!" And then: "Because of a mistake by the previous inhabitant of this house, his penalty has been passed on to me, and I'm condemned to never leave home. I won't tell you my name because that would just add to my suffering. I spend all day sitting here and imagining what it's like outside. Regretting the day I was born. It's like being stuck in a picture that someone else has drawn. But tomorrow I'll have used up all my chances, and I'll be "free."

The next day from the same house was heard: "What the...who added another chance? I was supposed to be out of them today!"

Kunsusuki · Answer

Well I have written another part of the story, and I would be pleased if you check it for me. (please just point the sentences that you think they are wrong, so that I can correct them by myself. It will be more benificial for me.

) Thank you in advance, you have done a lot for me by checking the first parts.

« OH ! when shall I leave this dream ? I’m not in need of an added chance. »said tarkix when facing lethys while offering them chances. « the better thing I must do is to find an escape from this fancy. A bed is all I need, it is the link between the real life and the fancied one » Said Tarkix. Tarkix actually went in search for a shelter, and indeed he found one where he slept. He started dreaming about a life he thinks reality, in which nothing resembles the fancied one. Where he is the hero and the most admired person. When he talks about something, the whole world is startled by his utterances. Tarkix eventually was trifling from one life to another, in a word he was lost, wasting what the real life offered him.

Anonymous · Answer

This is okay as written. Just one comment:

Line no.

1) Is Lethys the plural of Lethy? That's what it looks like, since you use the plural pronoun "them." However, the phrase "when facing Lethys" would typically be used when Lethy is the name of a person.

Kunsusuki · Answer

AnonymousIs Lethys the plural of Lethy?

I used the word Lethys as a proper noun here.

AnonymousHowever, the phrase "when facing Lethys" would typically be used when Lethy is the name of a person.

What I wanted to mean by "them" is the persons who are surrounding her, should I make it clearer by adding another word?.

Kunsusuki · Answer

I have written another part, and I need your opinion about it. Thank you in advance.

Another four chances were given to the four wonks, Mozix,Hix, Azix and Zrix. What they had in common was their passion towards experiments; they loved inventing things that probably would help their kingdom. « I think I have got an idea !!!! I have got an idea !!!! »said Azix. « what !! an ideal ? » shrieked Mozix, who lost his ability of hearing in one ear due to a failed experiment. « hastly what is it ? » uttered wildely Hix. « Probably one of his sticky theories »laughing Zrix. « It is about a tool that can help us with running faster, it is not heavy, and only one person can ride it » The disscussion was ongoing, and only one thing was clear that they found a way to invent something they called a bicycle.

A Short Story????

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