A poem of mine waiting for your comments!

Question

Hello everybody. I'm a Tunisian studying English in the university. I like to write English poems from time to time. I have lately written a poem but I still don't know how good it is. I hope you can help me. All comments are welcome. The poem is a bit long. Sorry!

Death of a butterfly!

Julielai · Accepted Answer

Just one comment: Show, not tell

Disclaimer: I'm not exactly an expert around here.

Need.2.C.U · Answer

Thank you for your comment, julielai. But excuse me, I don't think I really understand what you mean. Where exactly should I replace tell with show? Are you talking about this line?
Why didn't I tell the world?
Thank you again. It doesn't really matter if you are not an expert. What really matters is that you read my poem and had something to say about it. Waiting for more comments.

Julielai · Answer

An example of show: He is trembling like a leaf. (His action speaks for itself.)

An example of tell: He is afraid. (You're telling the readers that.)

Need.2.C.U · Answer

Thank you julielai for your explanation. Now I understand what you mean. But I think that if I will show instead of telling, I'll be then changing most of the poem if not all of it. I think that telling is ok with this poem. In fact, I wanted the whole poem from the beginning to be told by someone not shown. Anyway, your opinion is very important to me. What do you think?

Poet Priya · Answer

i think its fantastic n really good,
u r a nice n expressive poet
u r able to express urself well
ur poem is really good,
keep it up

Need.2.C.U · Answer

Poet Priya, thank you so much for your words. They really made me happy. It's great to know that you like my poem. I'm always trying to do my best to write good ones. I'm still a beginner at writing English poems but I know I can be better with people's encouragement and pieces of advice. Thank you!

Sushi* · Answer

Dear Need.2.C.U:

you first introduced yourself as Tunisian
I think it's pretty brilliant when a non-native speaker tries to write something in a

lang that is completely different from his own
I am an Arabic speaker too, and I write poem in English too

My opinion about your poem is that you ~~whithin the telling~~ show something to your reader
When I read it first , I saw someone lying on the bed, heated by fever and suffering death pains
then , when it goes to the day b4, about the birthday. you were absolutely pensive
then , when she smiled at last, you were imaginative.
I think, the poem smoothely moves from one point into another.

the best lines I liked:

Now, the doctor rises and turns,

"To its creator, her soul returns

I'm terribly sorry, No breath

Please be strong

All of us will face death"

He says in a sad tone,

Then asks to use the phone"

Good luck
.......................

Samarnh_p · Answer

Hi Tunisian, I'm Samarnh Pang from Mission College, Thailand. It's a great pleasure to have read your peom. You know I love the setting, mood, tone, and also the rhyme scheme. I read through your poem three times and decided to drop by. I think it's great if you may check or modify a little bit on the use of repitition. Normally, repetitions of a poetic work illustrates better on certian moods and tones of the author intentions. However, they are able to add up tention for reader, esepcially when a reader could not have images in mind.

Besides, I appreciate that you use good symbolic items. Keep doing good job Tunisian. Actually, I love literature as you do.

Need.2.C.U · Answer

Dear Sushi*,
Thank you very much for your words. They made me very happy. I agree with you on the importance of writing in English or any other foreign language different from ours. It's really an important, enjoyable and useful thing to do. You know, it's great for me to find an Arabic speaker who's writing English poems too. I would really love to read some of your poems. By the way, believe it or not, the best lines you liked of my poem are the same lines I like most. Good luck for you too!

Hi Samarnh_p,
Thank you for taking some time to read my poem and comment on it. I see what you mean when you talk about repetition in a poetic work. You are right about that. Repetition can be sometimes an advantage and sometimes an obstacle. I hope you can point out some of the repetitions you feel are not helping my poem. Thank you. It's great to know that you like what I wrote.

By the way, there is a grammatical mistake in my poem that I have lately noticed. I should have said "But why wasn't I bold enough?" instead of "But why weren't I bold enough?"

Sushi* · Answer

Need C U:

you can read my poem called '' a lonely dream'' it's on the Poetry blog

waiting for your criticism

see ya ***

A poem of mine waiting for your comments!

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