A Narrative about Change

0 00This is narrative I wrote got me a 3 out of 5 for the first draft. I was wondering if you guys could help me make it abit better for a higher mark for my second draft. It is out of 10 my second one and hope to get good marks. I hope you guys can help me.02br
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00Assessment Task 1- Narrative…02br
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00First Draft:02br
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00Today was a special day in my life. I had leapt out of bed at 6:00 am, dressed up, had a shower, took my passport, airline ticket and drove my way to the Airport. I was leaving my family home for 3 months and the feelings of the heebie - jibbies started to predominate the sense of excitement I had acquainted before reaching the Airport. I was troubled of what I was going to leave behind but the sense of Adventure, changing my life for the better instead of living in the Attic of my Family’s home living off chips, coke and my Computer. I had stopped questioning my self 01b00“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN YOUR MISERABLE LONELY LIFE” 02b00and took the action to change my01b00 02b00life.02br
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00I was traveling to 010200. A City called “00不死神奇城市00” which in English is “00 of the Undead”. It was a 00 said to have been abandoned 20 yrs ago because of Haunted, Magical unaccountable acts had been carried out by 00supernatural beings. 02br
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00When I reached the outskirts of the City I felt an abnormal presence encompass me. I was on a quest to find enlightenment on my Path to change and I wouldn’t cease at anything in my way.02br
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00I entered the city looking everywhere thoughtfully. The City was like those olden day movies with everything Black and White. I tilted my head to the left and saw a Corner shop. I entered the shop and found all these ominous Symbols on the walls. While I was Gazing into the Symbols an Old Wisdom looking Man struck up from behind the counter. He noticed I was not from the Area and spoke in English to me. He said “What are you doing City here in? Don’t you know what happened has here you insolent fool?”.02br
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00I answered hesitantly and slowly because of the sudden appearance of this man. I said “I have heard everything about this city but I want to seek a new beginning in my life”. The Old man subsequently told me “Ahh so you beginning seek… I have correct tool need you for Beginning.”02br
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00In my head I was confused of what this Old man is on about. I thought he was crazy and his Yoda type Accent from Star Wars added to the dilemma.02br
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00Then all I see he bends down under the counter and he brings forward a Box covered by dust and mould. He slowly opened the box and an immediate light filled the room exactly like when the Sun is slowly rising in the Morning. My eyes where a bit blurry but once the blurriness had gone away I found “3 Little Gerbil’s standing on the counter”.02br
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00I was fascinated and told the Old man “These are going to help me”. He replied “Help they do… Now take Gerbil’s, beware but, have they hidden power for good also ………”02br
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00Before he could finish his sentence a slight breeze had entered the room and hit the Old man. He had disappeared into thin air like when you blow a 00dandelion flower and all its white fluffy hair disappears.02br
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00I was abit agitated and hesitant in taking these Gerbil’s back home with me. But I then said to my self ”I have nothing to loose except a new introduction in my life”.02br
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00I took the Little Gerbil’s, packed them in my bag and took the first flight back to my Hometown. As I had reached my house I saw it had changed. It had been renovated also there was a new car. I asked my parents “Who is that Car for?” My mum answered “It is yours son everything good has been occurring in your absence”.02br
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00I said to my self “Ohhhh these Gerbils are working”.. I was ecstatic and wanted to see what else these Gerbil’s can do”.02br
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00So I took it up my self and went to the Mall with my new Car. I suddenly felt in the crowd of society… While I was parking a really beautiful Woman started to talk to me. I was intoxicated within her beauty and dazed of. Everything she said I replied with “Yes”. She asked me out and I replied “Yes I would like it”. Tomorrow she suggested!!02br
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00I bought my self a set of new clothes, shoes, perfume and a Watch this was all with my mums newly founded fountain of money!!02br
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00I went back home and slept for the next day to rise. Once I woke up the next morning all I hear is a Huge Truck parking outside our House. It said the “Depo Department” and everything I had learnt to accept disappeared. My car,watch new clothes everything. I had even lost the date with the dazzling Woman I met at the mall. 02br
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00I wondered to my self “WHY WHY is this happening to me?”. I got those stupid Gerbil’s and looked underneath it. My answer had been solved it was made in “010200”.02br
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00I have been told and had the experience my self that “Everything made in 010200 doesn’t last”.02br
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00In my last plea for help I said “Please God get me out of this mess”.02br
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00Then out of nowhere my mum comes to me and says “What do you do when you realize all your dreams come true?” 02br
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00I answered “You wake up”.02br
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00All I see I wake up in the attic where I sleep and I was full of sweat and my heart was pumping like I had run from 00 to my House.02br
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00I took my dream as a undertaking venture and applied it to the real world.02br
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00Hope everything works out for the best.0-