A Lonely Dream

Question

Please guys, tell me what you really think of this

My native lang is Arabic, so this poem is quite a broken one, BUT judge me as pofessionals

A Lonely Dream

There, yes over there

Under the shades of

The painted lonely moon.

Can you see, plainly, as I do

The face of a haunted boy,

Afraid of his own bed.

Never wanted the lights, to

Die away. Nor wished me to stay

With him. He thought me to be

The ghosts, that never parted without…

Without his colorful dreams.

"Go away" , he screams

Then awakes. I stroke him to sleep. Then,

To close my own eyes, I held the hand

Of a stranger, walking under the shades

Of the painted lonely moon.

With bats flying and fairy ghosts,

And the boy, sleeping over the moon

waiting for replies

Sir_sykes61 · Accepted Answer

...i like it. : )

Sushi* · Answer

Thanx Sir

anything you didn't like, or you find weak in the lines?

Thnx again

Sushixxx

Anonymous · Answer

i dont know whether the feeling of lonliness is deep in your heart.

but i always think the man must live in the society, we must learn how to communicate with others, friends, relatives, teachers, even strangers, only when you can melt yourself into the society and keep a happy attitude to anything, you will find you can not feel lonely.

i always believe lonliness is one kind of negative spirits, we must eliminate it from our heart, because we should live a happy life.

wish you are happy in your life.

Anonymous · Answer

i dont know whether the feeling of lonliness is deep in your heart.

but i always think the man must live in the society, we must learn how to communicate with others, friends, relatives, teachers, even strangers, only when you can melt yourself into the society and keep a happy attitude to anything, you will find you can not feel lonely.

i always believe lonliness is one kind of negative spirits, we must eliminate it from our heart, because we should live a happy life.

wish you are happy in your life.

Need.2.C.U · Answer

Dear Sushi*,

I'm not a professional but as a reader you know I certainly have something to say. This is my personal opinion about your poem. Maybe it's right and maybe it's wrong. But it's really what I feel about what you wrote.

Honestly, I like your poem a lot and I like the vocabulary you used. I also think that the theme of the poem is quite good. But, and I should say it, I have some remarks.

- I think that your poem can have a better title. Throughout the whole poem, I see that you focused on the lonely moon more than the lonely dream. The lonely moon can be really a good title for your poem but there are also better ones.

- I like the first part of your poem so much (to "Without his colorful dreams") because it's really clearer, simpler and less "broken" or confused than the other part. I'm sorry to say it but I don't quite understand the last lines of your poem especially that the last two lines are not a complete sentence.

- "Go away", he screams
Then awakes. I stroke him to sleep. Then,
Here is a tense shift that doesn't help your poem at all. I think that since you started using the past tense to tell us about the boy who "wanted", "wished" and "thought", you should then have gone along to tell us that he "screamed" and "awoke" and that you "stroked" him (keeping the same tense not using a different one).

- I think that your poem lacks a good number of rhymes to be more beautiful. I also think that when you finished some sentences in another line where new sentences started, you made your poem a bit awkward and more like prose. Consider these lines for example:
[Never wanted the lights, to
Die away. Nor wished me to stay
With him.] He thought me to be
Don't you think that these would have been more graceful and more of a poem if you had said:
Never wanted the lights to die away
Nor wished me with him to stay.

I suppose that I have more remarks to say about your poem but as I see that what I have written is now long enough, I stop. I hope you will find my remarks really useful, accurate and to the point. Sorry for my late comment.

Anonymous · Answer

Dear Need 2 c u:

Well, WOW! you're absolutely right about everything you said.
Titles are a problomatic issue to me. I always choose weak, cliche like titles. I don't know how to get over it?

Then ,

Never wanted the lights to die away
Nor wished me with him to stay.

it's much more better than mine, thanx for the correction.

Any advice more , please do write.

they are the most helpful, those who say the real ungilded truth.

Thnx again:)

Feras Shahbi · Answer

really I loved your poem

Need.2.C.U · Answer

Dear Sushi*,

I'm very happy to know that my comment was really helpful. What I want to say now is:

- Choose a title for your poem after you finish it not before you write it so that the title would be very precise and relevant. When you think of a title, try to find one that is concise, attractive and creative. The title can be a repetition of the name of the thing you focused on most in the poem, an allusion to what you want to say in your piece of poetry or even a personal comment on what the poem is about. I hope titles won't be a problematic issue for you anymore.

- When you divide your poem into separate parts, try to find a good reason for that. For example, you can divide a poem into two parts when there is a real turning point or difference between the two parts. Don't divide a poem into different parts just because you think it would look better when it is divided. Look at your poem, it is divided into parts but don't you think that its division is really arbitrary?

I truly like the beginning of your poem. I think it is the real evidence of your good English and capability to be a good poet. The end of your poem, on the other hand, is very weak and obscure. That's why I really encourage you to do your best to fix it.

I hope to see your poem again revised and fixed.

A Lonely Dream

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