A letter to the editor

Question

Is it correct? Can you correct some mistakes and suggest better solutions?

Dear Editor,

I am writing in connection with the article I read in the Daily Telegraph on 26 March,2012. It was entitled "Dangerous Internet". The article interested me a lot, as I am a great fun of it. I use the Internet every day and I think it is very helpful. I think that this article showed the Internet from a different point of view. I read how dangerous it can be.
In my opinion people should not download music and films from the Internet. It is illegal. People should pay at first to watch somebody's work and not to steal it.
It would be a good idea if all teenagers could express their opinions about downloading and the Internet. Maybe one day someone will find a solution to this problem.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
Sarah

KrisBlueNZ · Accepted Answer

"I am writing in connection with the article I read in the Daily Telegraph on 26 March, (always put a space after a comma) 2012~~. It was entitled~~ suggest 2012, entitled "Dangerous Internet". The article interested me a lot, as I am a great ~~fun~~ fan of it."
"a lot" and "great fan" are informal and not appropriate for a letter that will (or may) be published. Also, are you a great fan of the ARTICLE, or a great fan of the INTERNET? Saying you're a great fan of IT is not clear.
I suggest something more like "The article interested me very much, as I am a frequent user of the Internet".

"I use the Internet every day and I think it is very helpful. I think that this article showed the Internet from a different point of view. I read how dangerous it can be."
You could combine the first sentence here with the last sentence before: "... very much, as I use the Internet every day and find it very helpful".
I would delete "I think that" from the second sentence. If the article showed the Internet from the point of view of possible dangers, that's not really an opinion, it's closer to a fact, so you don't need to start by saying "I think that ...".

"In my opinion, (optional comma for a short pause) people should not download music and films from the Internet. It is illegal. People should pay at first to watch somebody's work and should not to steal it."

"It would be a good idea if all teenagers could express their opinions about downloading and the Internet. Maybe one day someone will find a solution to this problem."
That's good, but I think you should say HOW or WHERE teenagers should be able to express these opinions. Are you suggesting that the Editor of the newspaper should help in some way? If you have this wish, I would hope you could suggest HOW it could be achieved, if you can.

"I look forward to hearing from you."
I don't think that's appropriate for a letter to the Editor of a newspaper. It would be unusual for him to reply directly, unless the letter relates directly to an error in the newspaper or something like that. You could say that you look forward to hearing from OTHER READERS of the newspaper, if you want to "spark a dialog" on the letters page.

Generally this is quite good. A major criticism I have is that there are too many short sentences, each expressing only one or two ideas. It is normal for a native English speaker to include several ideas in each sentence, and this can be done by the use of AND, semicolons, and commas (instead of periods) to join separate ideas together, or by judiciously adding words, often adjectives, and parenthetical remarks (either with or without parentheses). For example, you can replace "The internet is a useful tool. I use it every day." to "I use this valuable tool daily". To do this, you need to improve your vocabulary and read more professionally written material, paying attention to the different sentence constructions that can be used, and how they allow you to cram more information and ideas into a smaller space. These are STYLE issues. Your grammar is fairly good; I suggest you start working on WRITING STYLE. Good luck, you're doing well!

Layla1234 · Answer

Thank you for your advice, suggestions, ideas and so on.

How about this letter to the editor?

Dear Editor,
I am writing to express my deep dissatisfaction with the progress of the roadworks outside my house.
Due to the content noise and heavy traffic jam which has been continuing for more than four weeks now my neighbours and I are not able to relax in/at our own homes. We believe that this construction has been going on longer than necessary. What is more, I find the workers' behaviour extremely appalling.
They are not idle but rude when addressed by law-abiding residents of ur neighbourhood.
Furthermore, the drive leading to my house is always blocked by construction machines, which make maneuvering almost impossible.
I insist that your company take prompt action and finish the construction instantly. I trust the matter will receive your immediate attention.
Yours faithfully,
Sarah Keaton

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

Dear ~~Editor~~ Sir,
I am writing to express my deep dissatisfaction with the progress of the roadworks outside my house.
Due to the ~~content~~ constant noise and heavy traffic ~~jam~~ jams which ~~has~~ have ~~been continuing~~ continued for more than four weeks now, (comma) my neighbours and I are not able to relax in~~/at~~ our own homes. We believe that this construction work has been going on longer than necessary. What is more, I find the workers' behaviour ~~extremely~~ appalling.
They are not only idle, (comma) but rude when addressed by law-abiding residents of ur our neighbourhood.
Furthermore, the drive leading to my house is always (regularly?) blocked by construction machines, which make maneuvering almost impossible.
I insist that your company take prompt action and finish the construction instantly. I trust the matter will receive your immediate attention.

I believe letters to the editor should begin "Dear Sir,". This also applies to the previous letter.
You shouldn't really say "extremely appalling". APPALLING by itself IMPLIES an extremeness; adding "extremely" to it, while probably not grammatically wrong, sounds strange to me.
Regarding the drive leading to the house, you should be careful not to say that it's ALWAYS blocked if that's not strictly true. Overstating your case is equivalent to lying, and if it's obvious, it may harm your credibility in the eyes of the reader. Of course, if that's literally true in this hypothetical situation, you can say so.
You've started one sentence with "What is more," and the next sentence with "Furthermore". Not a big issue, but it does sound a little odd. Perhaps you could rearrange the sentences, or change one of the "more" phrases to "also" or something like that.
Also I notice you're using a mixture of British and American spelling: "neighbour"/"neighbourhood" is British; "maneuvering" is American.
The final two sentences are not appropriate for a letter to the editor. He has no control over those machines. They would only be appropriate if you're writing to the local council or whoever is in charge of the road works. In any case, it's not reasonable to ask them to finish the contruction INSTANTLY; I would say "as quickly as possible" or "without delay" or something like that.
In a real letter, you would also give your address, so the reader knows which road works you're referring to.

Layla1234 · Answer

Ok, I see.
Can you also have a look at the following two letters and one invitation and correct any mistakes? Thank you in advance

An invitation:
Be Turkish for an Evening!
Looking for something different to do-something that is funny and cultural?
Come to our Traditional Turkish Evening!
The party starts at 7.00 p.m. and is held in the students' dormitory.
There will be lots of great Turkish food accompanied by traditional music and dancing.
Tickets will be available at the front desk iat Barkley Street 17 where also the party takes place.
Feel free to bring a friend with you.
See you there!

A formal letter- a cover letter

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing in connection with the job advertisement which I found in the New York Times on 27 March, 2012. I would likwe to work in your restaurant. My name is Kate Smith and I am nineteen years old. I finished my secondary school in May and now I am looking for a job. I would like to gain some money to be able to continue my further education.
As far as my job experience is concerned it is not very wide. Last summer I worked as a waitress in a cafe in London. This job assisted me to acquire and implement my interpersonal skills in practice. I am hard-working, versatile and conscientious while fullfiling my duties. I believe I am a suitable candidate for this position.
Nevertheless, I have some questions. What are the working conditions? How many hours a day will I have to work? How much salary can you offer me? Will we sign any contract?
If you interested please contact me. My phone number is 12344567. I am available at any time.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Sarah

To the editor:

I am writing to express my opinion about the article by Mary Johnson " Politics in Education" which I found extremely interesting. I believe its publication has made an important contribution tothe national debate on this issue.
I would also like to present my personal opinion on this matter.
I support the statement that it is considerably significant to separate politics from education. I believe that politicians should not gain advantage over their adversaries by influencing young minds with ideology serving their own political goals.
In my opinion the role of politicians in the education system is to provide a legal and economic base, that is, they ought to be more responsible for the organizational shape of the education systems for example by donating money to build kindergartens, schools, universities.
What is more, one cannot allow any political group to shape curricula since schools are supposed to teach students objectivity and responsbility for their own choices.
I hope this subject will receive proper attention and will be continued on the pages of your magazine.

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

Be Turkish for an Evening!
Looking for something different to do-something that is ~~funny~~ fun and cultural?
Make sure that the dash between DO and SOMETHING is an em-dash (long and thin), not a hyphen as shown.
Come to our Traditional Turkish Evening!
The party starts at 7.00 p.m. and is held in the students' dormitory.
There will be lots of great Turkish food accompanied by traditional music and dancing.
Tickets will be available at the front desk ~~iat~~ at ~~Barkley Street 17~~ I think that should be 17 Barkley Street where also the party takes place.
You can't say "where ALSO the ...".

Is 17 Barkley St the address of the students' dormitory? If so, you should put this line with the line that says where the party is held. For example: "The party starts at 7.00 p.m. in the students' dormitory at 17 Barkley Street. Tickets will be available at the front desk."
Feel free to bring a friend ~~with you~~ unnecessary.
See you there!
That's pretty good. I think you should mention the cost, or if it's free, say so. If cost hasn't been decided, give an approximate cost. Just trying to be helpful to potential partygoers.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing in connection with the job advertisement ~~which I found~~ in the New York Times on of 27 March, 2012. Give the name of the position, e.g. "for a kitchenhand/waitress". I would ~~likwe~~ like to work in your restaurant. My name is Kate Smith and I am nineteen years old. I ~~finished my secondary school~~ you can't say that; you can say "finished my secondary school EDUCATION" or "finished secondary school" (no MY) in May ~~and now I am looking for a job~~ that seems kind of obvious. I would like to gain some money to be able to continue my further education.
I suggest you avoid mentioning MONEY specifically. Maybe I'm just being over-cautious but it might be better to use a euphemism. For example "I intend to use my job to support me while I continue my education". That's not very good either.
Also, you can't say "continue my further education"; either say "continue my education" or "further my education" (in the latter case, FURTHER is being used as a verb).
These are just the actual errors; after rewriting the paragraph I think it could be further improved with some reorganisation.

~~As far as my job experience is concerned~~ verbose! it is not very ~~wide~~ broad is better; I suggest removing that whole sentence. Last summer I worked as a waitress in (or AT) a cafe in London. This job assisted me to acquire and implement my interpersonal skills in practice. That is so ostentatious! How about "This job helped me improve my interpersonal skills".

I am hard-working, versatile and conscientious ~~while fullfiling my duties~~ probably unnecessary. I believe I am a suitable candidate for this position. Good.
Nevertheless, I have some questions. What are the working conditions? How many hours a day will I have to work? How much salary can you offer me? Will we sign any contract? I suggest a bulleted list for these questions. In practice I don't think you would ask those questions on a job application; you would ask them if the employer grants you an interview.
If you ARE interested please contact me. My phone number is 12344567. I am available at any time. You can combine these into one sentence: "If you are interested, please call me on 12344567 any time".
I look forward to hearing from you.
Should you say "Yours faithfully" here?
Sarah Probably should repeat your full name here, and sign underneath.

I am writing to express my opinion about the article by Mary Johnson (en)titled " (no space here) Politics in Education" (comma here) which I found extremely interesting. I believe its publication has made an important contribution ~~tothe~~ to the national debate on this issue. Excellent! You used the right "its"!
I would also like to present my personal opinion on this matter.
I support the statement that it is ~~considerably significant~~ CONSIDERABLY is ostentatious again, and SIGNIFICANT is the wrong word; how about just "very important" to separate politics from education. I believe that politicians should not be able to or be allowed to gain advantage over their adversaries by influencing young minds with ~~ideology~~ ideologies ~~serving~~ that serve their own political goals. Good.
In my opinion the role of politicians in the education system is to provide a legal and economic base, semicolon not comma that is, they ought to be ~~more~~ responsible for the organizational shape of the education ~~systems~~ system comma for example by donating money to build kindergartens, schools, and universities.
What is more, ~~one cannot allow any political group~~ suggest no political group should be allowed to shape curricula comma since schools are supposed to teach students objectivity and ~~responsbility~~ responsibility for their own choices. Good.
I hope this subject will receive proper attention and discussions will be continued on in the pages of your magazine.

Layla1234 · Answer

Thank you very much for your ideas, suggestion and correction.

I would like to ask you to correct two more things.

A letter of complaint

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to complain about the mobile phone I bought at your shop in London on 26 March, 2012. It was a present from my grandmother on my sixteenth birthday. I chose both the model and colour.
The phone worked perfectly well for the first two days. I could make calls, send messages and listen to music. Unfortunately, on the third day something happened. When the battery ran down the phone turned off and I could not turn it on.
I was trying to recharge the battery several times, but it did not help. So I decided to borrow another battery from my friend. We replaced it but nothing changed again. As the phone is still under guarantee I decided to write to you.
I am afraid I must ask you to check my phone. If you cannot fix it in one week I would like to receive a full refund.
I look forward to hearing from you.

To the editor:

I am writing in connection with the article published on 26 March, 2012 by Mr. Johnes.
In this article, the author complains about the lack of interests among today's youth or the youth of the today (which one is correct here)?
I must admit I do not agree with the author's opinion because I think it is the other way round. Today's youth have many hobbies, passions and interests. What is more, they are determined to achieve theirs designated purposes.
The first argument which contradicts the author's opinion is the fact that the large number of young people are willing to participate in all kinds of television programmes connected with dancing or singing to show their talent, develop it and improve it in order to fulfil their dreams.
Another issue which is not homogenous with the author's views is the fact that many charity actions, events are often organized by the youth who are not deprived of good hearts and desire to help people in need.
Thank you in advance for the publication of my letter. I wonder what other readers think about this article.

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

The reason why people like me volunteer help on EnglishForward is not to provide a free editing and correction service; it is to teach.
You know the saying "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; TEACH him HOW to fish and he will eat for a lifetime"?
Giving people fish is not a rewarding exercise. TEACHING people IS rewarding.
I have seen no indication that you have learnt anything from my corrections. As far as I can tell, you could have just applied the corrections to your work, without trying to understand or learn from them. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case, but I see no indication to the contrary.
Sorry to be nasty, but you must remember that I'm a volunteer, and doing this work takes time. I'm happy to try to help people learn, but if you want editorial services, there are plenty of people who will do this for you, at an appropriate hourly rate.
Finally, it is good manners to "Like" a post that you learn from or appreciate. The number of "Likes" I receive is visible in my profile, and this is the only permanent recognition I get for the time I spend.
I suggest you repost your letters in separate threads and ask for help.
Best wishes
KrisBlueNZ

Layla1234 · Answer

Ok, I am sorry I am quite new here and I do not know where to click Like:).  I have learnt from your corrections I just have a lot of ideas connected with writing I was not going to overuse your patience, time and so on. Ok, thank you for all corrections and suggestions.

Layla1234 · Answer

I do apprieciate your voluntary work, effort, time and patience. Maybe I am just do not so smart as other learners. I find all yours suggestions, ideas, clues very useful  and I really have learnt from your corrections now I need to think about them before I write something and post it. I think I just like making sure if something is correct or not by asking other, more advanced learner/speakers.Thanks for everything tell me where I can click "Like":).

KrisBlueNZ · Answer

The text  should appear in the bottom left corner of each post, except posts from you yourself. It is roughly in line with the Reply button, but on the left side. When you click it, you have the choice of "+" (like) or "-" (dislike).

A letter to the editor

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