A letter seeking admission to a School

Question

We are currently residing in a Country where the year curriculum ends in June. In july we will be going to our country where the curriculum starts in June.

I want to write a letter to the school principal to consider my son for admission even though we will be late by one month

I have composed a letter I would appreciate if anyone corrects the grammatical mistakes. Thanks for the same

Sub: Enquiry about admission for year Y for the academic year 2014-2015

Dear Sir/Madam

This letter is regarding request for admission for my son for standard X in your esteemed institution.

My son xxxxx is studying Grade 1 in yyyyyy in country zzzz which follows xyz curriculum. The curriculum ends in June. We will be coming and settling in area aaa,country bbb in the month of July. I am aware that for the admission to your School my son has to pass a test. But as we cannot be there before June so can my son give the test after we come and you consider him for admission if he passes the same.

Thanking you in anticipation of your positive response.

Yours faithfully
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Doctor D · Accepted Answer

Here is my suggested wording [changes in bold, notes in brackets]:

Sub: Enquiry about admission for the academic year 2014-2015

Dear Principal [last name if you have it]:

This letter is regarding a request for admission for my son for standard X in your esteemed institution.

My son xxxxx is completing Grade 1 in yyyyyy in country zzzz which follows xyz curriculum. The curriculum ends in June. We will be arriving in area aaa,country bbb in July. I am aware that admission to your school requires my son to pass a test [an entrance examination?] But as we cannot be there before June, can my son be given the test after we come and would you consider him for admission in the 2014-15 academic year if he passes the same?

Thanking you for considering my request.

Yours faithfully

[Note: I also removed some language].

Anonymous · Answer

Hello Doctor D,
Does it have to be 'follow curriculum'?

Could I ask you if this is well written?
I can't spot any errors but I don't know if it is well written.

-I'm going to have to wake up early tomorrow, not in terms of time but in terms of hours of sleep.
-The sign 'baby on board' will make people think twice before crashing into us.
-I misjudged the termperature. I should have worn a jacket.
-His brains were splattered all over the wall. He had been shot.
-If we do it this way, we will gain time.
-I painted a bigger area than you. You only painted one third of the area I did. (painting a room)
I think this is perfect, as you can see I might be wrong.
Sports players aren't allowed to bet on their team. Why wouldn't they be able to. As long as they aren't betting against their team, it should be allowed. If you bet against your team, you come into a game wanting to lose, that shouldn't be allowed but giving the players incentive to win by betting on them should.

Best regards and thanks

Doctor D · Answer

I said "follow XYZ curriculum" because I thought you were talking about a specific set of courses and I wanted to keep to your wording as much as possible. Perhaps you really meant to say "academic year." (The period of time during which those courses are given.)

As to your new questions--here are my suggestions, where I have them:

-I'm going to have to wake up early tomorrow, not in terms of time but in terms of hours of sleep.
[Awkwardly expressed. Perhaps something like: I'm going to have to wake up early tomorrow, not early in the day, however, but early as far as getting as much sleep as usual.]

-The sign 'baby on board' will make people think twice before crashing into us. [Clear but unlikely--a car crash is generally accidental, not a decision.]

-I misjudged the temperature. I should have worn a jacket. [Fine]

-His brains were splattered all over the wall. He had been shot. [Second sentence is a little flat. Perhaps combine the two sentences: He had been shot in the head, splattering his brains all over the wall.]

-If we do it this way, we will gain time. [Fine]

-I painted a bigger area than you. You only painted one third of the area I did. (painting a room) [Okay]

I think this is perfect, as you can see I might be wrong. [The punctuation makes this unclear. Better: As you can see, I think this is perfect. I might be wrong.]

Sports players aren't allowed to bet on their team. Why wouldn't they be able to. As long as they aren't betting against their team, it should be allowed. If you bet against your team, you come into a game wanting to lose, that shouldn't be allowed but giving the players incentive to win by betting on them should.
I would make a few changes here: Sports players aren't allowed to bet on their team. Why shouldn't they be able to? ["Should" raises a moral question, which is what you want. "Would" simply raises the question, is it practical.] As long as they aren't betting against their team, it should be allowed. If you bet against your team, you come into a game wanting to lose, so that shouldn't be allowed. ["So" sums up your point. Then start a new sentence to discuss your final point.] But giving the players more incentive to win by allowing them to bet on themselves should be permitted.

A letter seeking admission to a School

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