A letter: Banning the use of mobile phones

Question

Topic: Your town council is thinking about banning the use of mobile phones on public transport and in shops and restaurants. Write a letter to the town council giving your opinion about this and why you think it is or is not a good idea. For this task, you should enter between 220 and 260 words. Please review my answer. Thanks.Dear Town Council,I am writing to discuss the arguments regarding the ban on mobile phone use. It is common sense that citizens can probably use them almost everywhere, including public places like in stores, in restaurants, and on public transport.On the one hand, the ban on mobile phone use can be disapproved by a large number of residents, who find it very convenient and essential in their daily life. Mobile phones make it easier to communicate in a vast and dynamic society these days. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, the prohibition of using cellphones should not be implemented given their many significant advantages.On the other hand, when people freely use their phones, they cause a serious problem: noise. As a result, there may be no privacy when it comes to public places. Accordingly, the town authorities should impose some laws and rules concerning the use of mobile phones in publicity. People may not use their phones when they get on a bus. This may reduce the amount of noise and will not cause much annoyance to the surrounding passengers.In conclusion, it is not expected to completely ban the use of mobile phones in public places, but it can manage to control some unwanted outcomes of using cellphones.Best regards,A citizen

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Sang DaoPlease review my answer. Thanks.

It is not a good answer for the task.

Your paraphrase of the situation is not accurate.
You word count is less than the minimum.
You should give your opinion right away in the first paragraph, because that is the entire reason for your letter.
Also, you are not using pronouns correctly.

There are other minor issues.

I gave you an example model answer below.

Dear Town Council,
I am writing to discuss the arguments regarding the ban (Actually, there is no ban in effect. They are debating it. ) on mobile phone use. It is common sense that citizens can ~~probably~~ use them almost everywhere, including public places like in stores, in restaurants, and on public transport. (So what is your opinion on this?)
On the one hand, the ban on mobile phone use can be disapproved by a large number of residents, who find it (The ban?) very convenient and essential in their daily life. Mobile phones make it easier to communicate in a vast (not a good word) and dynamic society these days. Therefore, as far as I am concerned, the prohibition of using cellphones should not be implemented given their many significant advantages. (You need to put this first. )
On the other hand, when people freely use their phones, they cause a serious problem: noise. As a result, there may be no privacy when it comes to public places. Accordingly, the town authorities should impose some laws and rules concerning the use of mobile phones in publicity. (wrong word) People may not use their phones when they get on a bus. This may reduce the amount of noise and will not cause much annoyance to the other ~~surrounding~~ passengers.
In conclusion, it is not expected (You are not writing your opinion. That is a mistake.) to completely ban the use of mobile phones in public places, but it can manage to control some unwanted outcomes of using cellphones.
Best regards,
A citizen

Model answer:

Dear Town Council,
I am writing to give my opinion on the proposed ban of using mobile phones in public spaces. I strongly believe that a complete ban must not be implemented, but rules in certain limited cases would be acceptable.

It is common sense that citizens are able to use their cellphones almost everywhere, including public places like in stores, in restaurants, and on public transport. With such devices, people can do their work, check on their children, read their email, and do many other useful tasks. A total ban would be very disruptive to the lives of our citizens and most would disapprove of any such law.

However, I would support regulations regarding some constraints on the use of these devices. For example, when the phone rings or people talk loudly on their phone, they disturb their fellow passengers on the bus or train. This is a nuisance, and such noise should be prohibited. Phones must be set to "do not disturb" mode when the owner is entering or riding a public bus or train. But texting and reading emails and other functions that do not make any sound should be allowed. Other similar situations, such as in a public library, should also be considered.

In conclusion, I object to the total ban the use of mobile phones in public places, but it would be acceptable to control the use of cellphones when it annoys other people.
Best regards,
A citizen

(240 words)

A letter: Banning the use of mobile phones

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