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Wistiti Posted 21 years ago

A first try

0 Ridin' 02br
02br
00I rode upon the highway 02br
00The radio playing high 02br
00The wind upon my body 02br
00The dust over my face 02br
00No brake to leave me stranded 02br
00No voice to say “please don’t!” 02br
00No guarding angel here. 02br
00The rocks a hoped-for barrier 02br
00And all is drowned in black. 0-
  

Top answer

0Not bad. 02br 02br 00The first thing that strikes me is that, because it is set in short rhythmic lines, I expect it to rhyme: 02br 02br 00I rode upon the highway, 02br 00The radio playing high, 02br 00The wind upon my body, 02br 00The dust all in my eye. 02br 02br 00Also, with the 'highway' and the 'dust' and the 'wind' and the 'rocks' for setting, 'drowned' (which requires a lot of water) seems out of place.

— Mister Micawber

  • 0Not bad.
  • 02br 02br 00The first thing that strikes me is that, because it is set in short rhythmic lines, I expect it to rhyme: 02br 02br 00I rode upon the highway, 02br 00The radio playing high, 02br 00The wind upon my body, 02br 00The dust all in my eye.
  • 02br 02br 00Also, with the 'highway' and the 'dust' and the 'wind' and the 'rocks' for setting, 'drowned' (which requires a lot of water) seems out of place.
  • 02br 02br 00Keep at it, Wistiti!
  • 0-
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7 Answers
0
0Not bad. 02br
02br
00The first thing that strikes me is that, because it is set in short rhythmic lines, I expect it to rhyme: 02br
02br
00I rode upon the highway, 02br
00The radio playing high, 02br
00The wind upon my body, 02br
00The dust all in my eye. 02br
02br
00Also, with the 'highway' and the
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0
0 Hi, Mister Micawber, 02br
00And thanks for your appreciation! 02br
02br
00I do agree with the "drowning" part. But then I'll stick to the dust over the face, for if you have dust in your eyes, you'll start crying, and it would bring a first hint at water. 02br
02br
00How about: 02br
02br
00I rode upon the highway 02br
0
0
0 "Guardian angel", maybe? 02br
02br
00MrP 0-
0
0
0 Hi, PrPedantic! 02br
00Well, I don't know... I kinda liked it not being your usual guardian angel... 02br
00What do you think? Is it odd? 0-
0
0
0 Well, I hesitate to call anything 'odd', at English Forums, where we have so much that is truly bizarre; but yes, I think it is a little 'odd'. 02br
02br
00It breaks the reader's concentration: he begins to think, should that be 'guardian angel'? So he only has half a mind on your shards. 02br
02br
00MrP 0-
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0You're right, MrPedantic 05000 although I couldn't judge the "truly bizarre". Except maybe *** ?02br
00I'll take your angel. 010id1
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0 I rode upon the highway 02br
00The radio playing high 02br
00The wind upon my body 02br
00The dust over my face 02br
00No brake to leave me stranded 02br
00No voice to say “please don’t!” 02br
00No gardian angel here. 02br
00The rocks a hoped-for barrier 02br
00The black shards set me free 
0

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