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Maj · Accepted Answer

Tom looked at the picture closely. It brought him back so many good memories, deep inner feelings about his mum, about his sister, both dead now. He didn’t remember feeling this sad for a long, long, time. They had been so immensely poor, but so incredibly happy at the very same time. He remembered playing hide and seek in the streets with his neighbors in those humid stinky dead ends. His mum would always have a sweet word for him, and she had that strength in her profound eyes. She made him feel protected and well cared for no matter how difficult things were at home. Now, he had his trendy Mercedes Benz parked outside his huge palace-like house, which had cost him and arm and leg. Surely it was the envy of the neighborhood. At least, this was what his wife kept telling him every time that the idea of selling it crossed his mind.

Melanie, his daughter was away, in one of the best Universities in the United States. ***, he missed her so much! Whenever he looked at her daughter he could see his mother’s vivid image in her. However, she did not need him any longer. She had this other guy she had met at University. She had made it very clear to him that he shouldn’t put her in the position where she would have to choose between him and her boyfriend. He couldn’t understand what she saw in that guy. Disgusting was the sweetest word he could think of to refer to that looser. And besides always talking about politics, with his proud voice, and arrogant ways!

Eric, his son was the best soccer player of his high-school team. Most parents were impressed by the fact that he had hired an exclusive European coach to train his son privately. He was so proud of that. Although soccer had always been his favourite sport, he never had the opportunity himself to be trained professionally, as there wasn’t any money at home for those purposes. It was so difficult for his mum to make ends meet at the end of the month! But his son acted like a robot, scored goals one after the other, never showing any enthusiasm. It seemed to him that scoring goals was for Eric some kind of homework. He only got carried away with those ugly-looking cyberspace games.

Natalie, lead a busy social life. When she wasn’t out for lunch with one of those absolutely boring, aimless friends of hers, she would be in the gym getting help from one of those handsome looking instructors she found so interesting. Since when hadn’t he taken her out for dinner? It seemed ages to him. He never listened to her when she called him a workaholic. But why did he have to remember the first time they traveled to Paris now? They were so young, with their backpacks, and their railway passes. It was the first time that he had drunk champagne. What a hangover, it took him two days to recover from it.

He didn’t know how he was going to face his family. He had been fired from his job. This ambitious youngster had finally betrayed him and made him look disrespectful if front of everybody in the company he had worked for such a long time. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach. He wasn’t used to that. He was supposed to be an iron man, cold and sharp. He had to run to the bathroom, as he knew he was going to vomit. When he looked at himself in the mirror and saw the portrait of his mother.

David · Answer

Issues:

"..house, which had cost him and arm and leg. "

"..house, which had cost him AN arm and A leg. "

"..looked at her daughter..." Suggesting: "looked at his daughter.."

"looser" should be: "loser"

"..if front of everybody" Suggesting: "..in front of .."

"Since when hadn’t he taken her out for dinner?" .. Very awkward sentence

"neighbors" Suggesting: "neighbours" (English U K)

Maj · Answer

Thank you all for your comments. It would be of great help if somebody could improve the text. I would appreciate your comments and suggestions.

Ursula · Answer

Here is a story of a self-made man remembering the innate nobility of his impoverished beginnings, the happiness he had lost and the inner strength of his mother (no mention of the father). He is feeling sad for some reason – why? The reader is lead to believe it is because his present life lacks this joy and expectation both in him and his rather selfish, boring and well kept family.

Without a ‘hook’ this becomes a rather well worn and obvious statement and does not lead the reader to want more.

A ‘hook’ grabs the reader and takes him through the rather boring bits of descriptive text – which of course are needed to build up the picture – on to some discovery, quest, target and final conclusion.

Some ‘hook’ suggestions for this piece.

Start off with :

“Tom had come to a conclusion which was going to change his life. The trouble was, it was also going to change his family’s life. Nevertheless, it had to be done!

As he sat in his car, looking steadily at his front door, he held the picture of his mother up in front of his eyes and his resolve strengthened.

Cut the last paragraph completely and end with:

…. How would he start? “Hi there everybody! Guess what, some young smart newcomer stole my job. I’ve decided to sell the house, move to Florida and start that restaurant I always wanted. Who's coming with me?

His heart missed another beat, his stomach started a tango and his legs felt they were in outer space!

He took one last deep breath, gave his mother’s photo an affectionate kiss and stepped out of the car ….

Carla · Answer

Hi - just made some minor changes that I think make it read a bit smoother.

Tom looked at the picture closely. It brought [del: him] back so many good memories, deep inner feelings about his mum and [del:about] his sister, both dead now. He [del:didn’t] couldn't remember having felt this sad for a long, long, time. They had been so incredibly poor, but so immensely [reversed incredibly and immensely] happy at the [del:very (unnecessary)] same time. He remembered playing hide and seek in the streets with his neighbors in those humid stinky dead ends. His mum would always have a sweet word for him, and she had that strength in her profound eyes. She made him feel protected and well cared for no matter how difficult things were at home. Now, he had his trendy Mercedes Benz parked outside his [del: huge (like a palace implies huge)] [del:palace-like] palatial house, which had cost him an arm and leg. Surely it was the envy of the neighborhood. At least, [del: this was] that what his wife kept telling him every time [del: that] the idea of selling it crossed his mind.

Melanie, his daughter, [inserted comma] was away, [del:in] at one of the best universities[lower-case] in the United States. ***, he missed her so much! Whenever he looked at her[his?] daughter he could see his mother’s vivid image in her. However, she did not need him any longer. She had this other guy she had met at university[lower-case]. She had made it very clear to him that he shouldn’t put her in the position where she would have to choose between him and her boyfriend. He couldn’t understand what she saw in that guy. 'Disgusting' was the sweetest word he could think of to refer to that loser. And besides,[inserted comma] always talking about politics, with his proud voice, and arrogant ways!

Eric, his son,[inserted comma] was the best soccer player [del:of] of his high-school team. Most parents were impressed by the fact that he had hired an exclusive European coach to train his son privately. [not really clear in these following sentences if 'he' refers to Tom or Eric. I guess it's Tom but not immediatly obvious] He was so proud of that. Although soccer had always been his favourite sport, he never had the opportunity himself to be trained professionally, as there wasn’t any money at home for those purposes. It was so difficult for his mum to make ends meet at the end of the month! But his son acted like a robot, [del: scored] scoring goals one after the other, never showing any enthusiasm. It seemed to him that for Eric scoring goals was [moved up: for Eric] some kind of homework. He only got carried away with those ugly-looking cyberspace games.

Natalie[del: comma] led[changed from lead] a busy social life. When she wasn’t out for lunch with one of those absolutely boring, aimless friends of hers, she would be in the gym getting help from one of those handsome looking instructors she found so interesting. Since when hadn’t he taken her out for dinner?[sugg: When was the last time he had taken her out for dinner?] It seemed ages ago[inserted ago] to him. He never listened to her when she called him a workaholic. But why did he have to remember the first time they traveled to Paris now? They were so young, with their backpacks, and their railway passes. It was the first time that he had drunk champagne. What a hangover. [made this a new sentence]It [del:took] had taken him two days to recover from it.

He didn’t know how he was going to face his family. He had been fired from his job. That [del: This] ambitious youngster had finally betrayed him and made him look disrespectful if front of everybody in the company he had worked for such a long time[really need to have another 'for' in her, ie. 'in front of everybody in the company he had worked for for such a long time", but that's awkward, so maybe change to "in front of everybody in the company for which he had worked for so long"]. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach. He wasn’t used to that. He was supposed to be an iron man, cold and sharp. He had to run to the bathroom, as he knew he was going to vomit. When he looked at himself in the mirror and[what do you mean here? do you mean he looked at himself he saw the portrait of his mother? then change 'and' to 'he'. or, suggestion: "When he looked at himself in the mirror he saw his mother's face"] saw the portrait of his mother.

Anonymous · Answer

can you please tell me what an adjective means

QuynhAnh · Answer

Some people prefer travelling by private vehicles while others think public ones are better. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In the context of modernization, individuals have a wide range of transportation choices. While some gravitate towards commuting by their vehicles, others favor buses, trains, or trams. From my perspective, the former opinion might be more convincing for several reasons.

On the one hand, using public transportation to go around is advocated by some daily travelers because of numerous elements. The main one is that this option is economical. In the case of undergraduates or people with low incomes, investing a large amount of money in purchasing exorbitant cars is a big challenge for them. Meanwhile, choosing public transport services to go to offices or schools only costs them small fees. As a result, they can significantly save their pocket for other important intents.

On the other hand, the left part of the community supports the idea of using their personal vehicles on a daily basis. The convenience and the flexibility are the first keys to this vote. In comparison with state-run transportation, driving privately owned automobiles or motorbikes gives drivers opportunities to choose their own route, time, and pace. In addition, non-state-controlled vehicles offer them privacy and comfort. To illustrate, people in this situation have a quiet space to do whatever they want namely reading books, watching movies, and listening to music without any disturbance.

In conclusion, both of the above means of transport are reasonable, but I suppose the private ones are the priority since they bring about a variety of pleasant feelings to users. However, it is recommended that open transport systems should be promoted as well.

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